( may i hold you. it’s the first thing he wants to know, and the one thing he’ll keep to himself. watching the tears in wei wuxian’s eyes, through his own, makes it harder to remain still, but there’s just so much to unpack here he doesn’t quite trust himself to get any closer without crushing his bones. so he anchors himself there, barely holding on as he wills himself to focus on the missing pieces.
now that he knows this, it’s safe to assume that the dreams he does dream hold more truth than fantasy. there’s quite a number of events he’d like to reconcile with, but some are still too hazy for him to know how to even address. so he thinks, a pensive frown as he lets out a slow, shuddery breath. ) I was informed that I should be much older. ( older than he feels, or is, but how old is he exactly now, with the grey in his hair?
his voice finally steadies, but not for long. ) After I left Yiling… ( his gaze grows a little distant, refocusing quickly. ) What fate befell you? How did we…? ( get together. or did it all happen here? )
[from their world. he'd always been extra careful, because not much escapes his bonded's attention. a clue that there was more to know and he'd certainly want to know it, even if it was to his detriment.
wei wuxian takes a deep breath and reaches for his hand.]
Things...got worse. I lost control of Wen Ning. [control was taken from him, but he's still gauging how much the other man can absorb at once.] He killed Jin Zixuan. He and Wen Qing, the others, they were all executed.
[his heart picks up a beat, urging lan wangji's along with it. it's all over and done with, and wei wuxian can't do a damn thing about it. only regret, if he lets it sink it into his bones, into the hollow space where his golden core once was. where the resentment once churned and ate away at him from the inside out.
he squeezes his hand.]
Lan Zhan, you don't have to hear any more. In the end, everything is settled.
( there’s something he isn’t telling him. for someone who was willing just a second ago to answer his questions, he’s pretty quick to cut it short... but more than that, it’s an ache he feels deep beneath his skin, making a mess of his heart and swelling where his eyes were starting to dry.
he can’t pinpoint what it is. it’s beyond frustrating, all these things just barely out of reach, but it hurts, in a way he knows must have been excruciating. he lost control. it’s the one thing he feared, the one thing he so desperately tried to prevent, going as far as disobeying for his sake, pestering him to offer his help. and when wei wuxian finally allowed him, he… what. let him down? let the worst happen?
his head swims. there’s a light film of sweat coating his skin as he blanches and loses his focus, nausea rolling high in his stomach. his throat burns. his eyes, too, and he’s afraid to ask. he’s afraid to know, but he must, because he can’t imagine what the world must have done to him after jin zixuan perished, after resentment got the best of a soul so kind.
he looks at him a little haggard, lips parted as he breathes shaky. his grip around wei wuxian’s hand tightens, an anchor for the hollow chasm in his chest, no strength in his voice. ) Have I ever returned? ( to yiling. after they parted, heart torn, mind as well. he left him, and he frowns dismayed, wondering what choices he might have made following wei wuxian’s loss of control. )
[if asked, wei wuxian would continue. he would tell him about nightless city, about sixteen years of waiting. about scars and jin guangyao. he's not even sure if it's relief that he feels when lan wangji doesn't immediately push for it. it means that it's still there, a looming threat hanging over them. a wound that can be torn open and made to bleed again.]
Lan Zhan.
[he places his hand on his shoulder, feeling his distress through their bond. wei wuxian moves for water then, pouring a cup and offering it to his lips with a quiet urge to drink.
even he's surprised at how he can smile at the question. maybe it's because he can give him hope through his answer, even if things are left out.]
( and he drinks. he drinks because it’s all the strength he can muster, the entirety of his mental lexicon buried under the erratic beats of his heart. wei wuxian’s smile, his touch, his words, they tear him apart, and yet he still breathes, unevenly so, struggling to pinpoint how he feels. but maybe it doesn’t matter. beyond the bond they share, maybe nothing does, words obsolete, only them, and the intrinsic certainty that his place is right here.
as is wei wuxian’s. conceptually and literally, and lan wangji takes his hand in his, a bold yet instinctive gesture. ) Stay here. ( in this room. a room they’ve shared in ways that’ll color his entire body crimson later, when he closes his eyes and ponders. a room that wei wuxian insisted on lending him, when it belonged to him just as much. ) Tonight. ( forever. it’s nowhere near a lewd proposition. it’s merely an attempt to let him in, to give back, literally and figuratively, because he doesn’t know how else to voice all the things that he wants, all the things that he feels, and finally do right by him. )
[there's no misunderstanding, lan wangji's meaning is simple and clear. but wei wuxian feels a rush of heat in his face nonetheless, spreading to the tips of his ears. even the thought of just lying by his side, of watching him while he sleeps, is enough to send his heart skipping as wildly as their wedding night.
he nods, swallowing hard against the lump in his throat so he can free up his voice again.]
Of course. By your side.
[they both know it's where he belongs. he finally understands lan wangji's drunken regrets about not being by his.
maybe he should go steal a couple of chickens for him. the idea makes him want to smile, but he presses his lips together, trying to resist it.]
( and that’s the thing, when you’re bonded to someone whose heart beats the same beats. when you let your walls crash and welcome everything in, regardless of the consequences. it’s like learning how to breathe again, and he feels, wei wuxian’s excitement, coloring his own cheeks. it’s a wave of warmth and peace that washes over him, and even though it’s a lot to take in all at once, it feels exactly as it should be.
it’s also the reason why he guesses the smile wei wuxian tries to suppress. brows furrowed in curiosity, he stares at the small twitch, just there at the corner of his lips, the same lips he’s kissed over and over just a few weeks ago. the same lips he knows he’ll kiss again someday, and the thought nearly incapacitates him. get a grip. and he does, focusing on the link between them, and the light flutter in his chest. )
You’re amused. ( it’s more of a statement than a question, but regardless, he wants to know why. )
[but even as he apologizes, the laughter still escapes, an abbreviated giggle hidden behind his fist.]
I was just reminded of the first time you proposed to me. [because that's exactly what it was, the censorship so weak that the only person who didn't realize it was wei wuxian. but all of lan wangji's actions had been so outlandish for a man who was normally so restrained, he really hadn't known what to think at all.] You were drunk and you tried to give me chickens.
[he wonders if he'll even believe him. but it's as they say, reality is stranger than fiction...and often funnier too. more laughter comes, spilling freely from his lips.]
Imagine if I'd accepted them! We might've been married without even knowing it!
[lan wangji clearly didn't remember the things that he said or did while drunk. and wei wuxian, well...]
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no subject
now that he knows this, it’s safe to assume that the dreams he does dream hold more truth than fantasy. there’s quite a number of events he’d like to reconcile with, but some are still too hazy for him to know how to even address. so he thinks, a pensive frown as he lets out a slow, shuddery breath. ) I was informed that I should be much older. ( older than he feels, or is, but how old is he exactly now, with the grey in his hair?
his voice finally steadies, but not for long. ) After I left Yiling… ( his gaze grows a little distant, refocusing quickly. ) What fate befell you? How did we…? ( get together. or did it all happen here? )
no subject
[from their world. he'd always been extra careful, because not much escapes his bonded's attention. a clue that there was more to know and he'd certainly want to know it, even if it was to his detriment.
wei wuxian takes a deep breath and reaches for his hand.]
Things...got worse. I lost control of Wen Ning. [control was taken from him, but he's still gauging how much the other man can absorb at once.] He killed Jin Zixuan. He and Wen Qing, the others, they were all executed.
[his heart picks up a beat, urging lan wangji's along with it. it's all over and done with, and wei wuxian can't do a damn thing about it. only regret, if he lets it sink it into his bones, into the hollow space where his golden core once was. where the resentment once churned and ate away at him from the inside out.
he squeezes his hand.]
Lan Zhan, you don't have to hear any more. In the end, everything is settled.
no subject
he can’t pinpoint what it is. it’s beyond frustrating, all these things just barely out of reach, but it hurts, in a way he knows must have been excruciating. he lost control. it’s the one thing he feared, the one thing he so desperately tried to prevent, going as far as disobeying for his sake, pestering him to offer his help. and when wei wuxian finally allowed him, he… what. let him down? let the worst happen?
his head swims. there’s a light film of sweat coating his skin as he blanches and loses his focus, nausea rolling high in his stomach. his throat burns. his eyes, too, and he’s afraid to ask. he’s afraid to know, but he must, because he can’t imagine what the world must have done to him after jin zixuan perished, after resentment got the best of a soul so kind.
he looks at him a little haggard, lips parted as he breathes shaky. his grip around wei wuxian’s hand tightens, an anchor for the hollow chasm in his chest, no strength in his voice. ) Have I ever returned? ( to yiling. after they parted, heart torn, mind as well. he left him, and he frowns dismayed, wondering what choices he might have made following wei wuxian’s loss of control. )
no subject
Lan Zhan.
[he places his hand on his shoulder, feeling his distress through their bond. wei wuxian moves for water then, pouring a cup and offering it to his lips with a quiet urge to drink.
even he's surprised at how he can smile at the question. maybe it's because he can give him hope through his answer, even if things are left out.]
I returned to you.
no subject
as is wei wuxian’s. conceptually and literally, and lan wangji takes his hand in his, a bold yet instinctive gesture. ) Stay here. ( in this room. a room they’ve shared in ways that’ll color his entire body crimson later, when he closes his eyes and ponders. a room that wei wuxian insisted on lending him, when it belonged to him just as much. ) Tonight. ( forever. it’s nowhere near a lewd proposition. it’s merely an attempt to let him in, to give back, literally and figuratively, because he doesn’t know how else to voice all the things that he wants, all the things that he feels, and finally do right by him. )
no subject
[there's no misunderstanding, lan wangji's meaning is simple and clear. but wei wuxian feels a rush of heat in his face nonetheless, spreading to the tips of his ears. even the thought of just lying by his side, of watching him while he sleeps, is enough to send his heart skipping as wildly as their wedding night.
he nods, swallowing hard against the lump in his throat so he can free up his voice again.]
Of course. By your side.
[they both know it's where he belongs. he finally understands lan wangji's drunken regrets about not being by his.
maybe he should go steal a couple of chickens for him. the idea makes him want to smile, but he presses his lips together, trying to resist it.]
no subject
it’s also the reason why he guesses the smile wei wuxian tries to suppress. brows furrowed in curiosity, he stares at the small twitch, just there at the corner of his lips, the same lips he’s kissed over and over just a few weeks ago. the same lips he knows he’ll kiss again someday, and the thought nearly incapacitates him. get a grip. and he does, focusing on the link between them, and the light flutter in his chest. )
You’re amused. ( it’s more of a statement than a question, but regardless, he wants to know why. )
no subject
[but even as he apologizes, the laughter still escapes, an abbreviated giggle hidden behind his fist.]
I was just reminded of the first time you proposed to me. [because that's exactly what it was, the censorship so weak that the only person who didn't realize it was wei wuxian. but all of lan wangji's actions had been so outlandish for a man who was normally so restrained, he really hadn't known what to think at all.] You were drunk and you tried to give me chickens.
[he wonders if he'll even believe him. but it's as they say, reality is stranger than fiction...and often funnier too. more laughter comes, spilling freely from his lips.]
Imagine if I'd accepted them! We might've been married without even knowing it!
[lan wangji clearly didn't remember the things that he said or did while drunk. and wei wuxian, well...]