[he looks up when she squeezes his hand, listening extra closely to the parts of her story that follow. drawing conclusions that make him hurt for her even more. something to ask more about later, maybe.]
But you can't be sure. And even if it had worked, do you think she would've ever been happy again?
[he doesn't. he doesn't come right out and say as much, but the suggestion of it is probably there anyway.]
The ritual meant killing someone that she loved with her own hands. Maybe she would've lived on and gotten married, maybe she would've gone insane, but a part of her would've died with you. She might've come to hate the village and everyone in it. Maybe she would've found a way to unleash that power instead of you.
[there's no way of knowing any of this. there's only one part of it that he's sure of.]
Watching your sister die...the pain from it is worse than dying yourself.
[Sae winces a little, quickly shaking her head.] No! No, that’s— [She doesn’t truly know though, does she? Yae didn’t die but she had still lost her, and that pain was carried with her ever since.
But that was only because it wasn’t supposed to be this way. Because it hadn’t been done the right away. Right? She chews on her bottom lip, looking conflicted and uneasy.] But if it had been done the right way, she wouldn’t have become ‘less.’ if she’d killed me, my soul would join with hers’, in a way. We’d be together forever—truly. Not even... Not even the passage of time could change that.
But if we’d grown up, we would’ve grown apart... But with the ritual, we would’ve become one. She wouldn’t be alone, I’d be right there with her! [her voice has raised as she spoke, slightly tinged with hysteria, her breathing hard. She seems to realize how frantic she’d become however, because she flinches and shrinks in on herself, looking confused and a little sullen.]
...It... Things just got worse because we ran... [her voice sounds small, but she’s not even sure what she’s arguing for here. 17 years of never having to question this before was knocking up painfully with outsiders’ perspectives and she wasn’t quite sure what to do with it besides get defensive. It was all she’d known, after all. If they’d managed to fully escape, everyone likely would have died anyhow when the Abyss rebelled.] What else were we supposed to do...?
[he gives her hand a squeeze when she starts getting frantic, and reaches his free hand out to slide down her hair.]
It's okay. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you.
[wei wuxian can see how she struggles, and a lifetime of believing a certain way simply can't be changed in a matter of days or weeks. and honestly, even he doesn't have a clear answer for her question, because they should never have been faced with such cruel choices in the first place.]
I think your sister followed what her heart told her to do. And so did you, because you loved her so much. Sometimes the result of that is painful. But you did the best you could, with almost no one to help you, and neither of you are to blame. Even if you don't believe that now, I hope you'll still remember it. I hope you can live on with no regrets.
[She swallows hard before she gets up to move around the table, throwing her arms around him tightly. Her heart pounded in her chest, her head ached, the wound on her throat throbbed. She didn’t know if it was better or worse to not have an answer and to not have a direction to be pointed in.
Now, suddenly, she had all sorts of doors open to her and still her feet felt paralyzed to the spot with indecision.] I’m sorry... [Sae didn’t know what else to do but apologize. She’d started this conversation wanting to commiserate, and instead she feels like, somehow, she’s failed him.]
[wei wuxian's breath catches in a soft gasp when she hugs him. his eyes start to water immediately, because he can feel how tight it is. her sincerity, her own strength. very few have ever apologized for what happened to him. he never expected it. but it feels good to hear anyway, and he has to remind himself to be a little careful when he hugs her in return.]
I'm sorry this happened to us too. [a whispered voice. in the end, the perfect thing to say comes from her lips, and she's so far from having failed him. he smiles, even though his eyes are still damp.] But I promise to watch out for you from now on. Because I want you here, and I also don't want Yae mad at me.
It’s not right. [She murmurs. It’s not right that he died, and its’ not right that she wasn’t killed in the ‘proper’ way.] And it’s not fair.
[But she laughs a little at the mention of Yae getting mad at him and lifts her face to press a shy kiss to his cheek.] You could never disappoint me. I’ll watch out for you too. I don’t...I don’t have any of my abilities anymore form home, but I... I’ll do my best too.
After all, I’m sure Wangji-nii is even scarier than Yae if he gets mad.
[lan wangji would take a limb off of anyone who tried it. but not wanting to upset her is an incentive all its own. wei wuxian keeps his arms around her, keeps her on his side of the table.]
Lan Zhan is really something when he's angry. [that impish smile crosses his lips. he doesn't think that she ever has anything to fear from his husband-to-be.] He really must look scary, but all I can think is how proud I am. Lan Zhan only gets angry for good reasons. He's not petty.
[The entire second episode where he get real petty pass-agg at Jiang Cheng has something to say about that, Wei Wuxian. Alas, love truly is blind...
Se leans against him, using him like a prop to keep her up] He seems really strong. He played his instrument for me once. It’s sort of like the koto— I should play for you sometime. I learned how to play that. [one of the more acceptable feminine pursuits she was allowed to learn alongside Yae.]
Mm, though, I guess we’d have to find a koto first...
I really want to hear you play. We'll look for one tomorrow, or find someone to make one.
[it might be a little harder than poking a few holes in a piece of bamboo, but still. it they can manage it, and she's comfortable enough, maybe she can play at the wedding.]
I'm lucky to have two people who can play me a lullaby when I can't sleep.
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But you can't be sure. And even if it had worked, do you think she would've ever been happy again?
[he doesn't. he doesn't come right out and say as much, but the suggestion of it is probably there anyway.]
The ritual meant killing someone that she loved with her own hands. Maybe she would've lived on and gotten married, maybe she would've gone insane, but a part of her would've died with you. She might've come to hate the village and everyone in it. Maybe she would've found a way to unleash that power instead of you.
[there's no way of knowing any of this. there's only one part of it that he's sure of.]
Watching your sister die...the pain from it is worse than dying yourself.
no subject
But that was only because it wasn’t supposed to be this way. Because it hadn’t been done the right away. Right? She chews on her bottom lip, looking conflicted and uneasy.] But if it had been done the right way, she wouldn’t have become ‘less.’ if she’d killed me, my soul would join with hers’, in a way. We’d be together forever—truly. Not even... Not even the passage of time could change that.
But if we’d grown up, we would’ve grown apart... But with the ritual, we would’ve become one. She wouldn’t be alone, I’d be right there with her! [her voice has raised as she spoke, slightly tinged with hysteria, her breathing hard. She seems to realize how frantic she’d become however, because she flinches and shrinks in on herself, looking confused and a little sullen.]
...It... Things just got worse because we ran... [her voice sounds small, but she’s not even sure what she’s arguing for here. 17 years of never having to question this before was knocking up painfully with outsiders’ perspectives and she wasn’t quite sure what to do with it besides get defensive. It was all she’d known, after all. If they’d managed to fully escape, everyone likely would have died anyhow when the Abyss rebelled.] What else were we supposed to do...?
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[he gives her hand a squeeze when she starts getting frantic, and reaches his free hand out to slide down her hair.]
It's okay. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you.
[wei wuxian can see how she struggles, and a lifetime of believing a certain way simply can't be changed in a matter of days or weeks. and honestly, even he doesn't have a clear answer for her question, because they should never have been faced with such cruel choices in the first place.]
I think your sister followed what her heart told her to do. And so did you, because you loved her so much. Sometimes the result of that is painful. But you did the best you could, with almost no one to help you, and neither of you are to blame. Even if you don't believe that now, I hope you'll still remember it. I hope you can live on with no regrets.
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Now, suddenly, she had all sorts of doors open to her and still her feet felt paralyzed to the spot with indecision.] I’m sorry... [Sae didn’t know what else to do but apologize. She’d started this conversation wanting to commiserate, and instead she feels like, somehow, she’s failed him.]
I’m sorry all of this happened. To both of us.
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I'm sorry this happened to us too. [a whispered voice. in the end, the perfect thing to say comes from her lips, and she's so far from having failed him. he smiles, even though his eyes are still damp.] But I promise to watch out for you from now on. Because I want you here, and I also don't want Yae mad at me.
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[But she laughs a little at the mention of Yae getting mad at him and lifts her face to press a shy kiss to his cheek.] You could never disappoint me. I’ll watch out for you too. I don’t...I don’t have any of my abilities anymore form home, but I... I’ll do my best too.
After all, I’m sure Wangji-nii is even scarier than Yae if he gets mad.
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[lan wangji would take a limb off of anyone who tried it. but not wanting to upset her is an incentive all its own. wei wuxian keeps his arms around her, keeps her on his side of the table.]
Lan Zhan is really something when he's angry. [that impish smile crosses his lips. he doesn't think that she ever has anything to fear from his husband-to-be.] He really must look scary, but all I can think is how proud I am. Lan Zhan only gets angry for good reasons. He's not petty.
no subject
Se leans against him, using him like a prop to keep her up] He seems really strong. He played his instrument for me once. It’s sort of like the koto— I should play for you sometime. I learned how to play that. [one of the more acceptable feminine pursuits she was allowed to learn alongside Yae.]
Mm, though, I guess we’d have to find a koto first...
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[it might be a little harder than poking a few holes in a piece of bamboo, but still. it they can manage it, and she's comfortable enough, maybe she can play at the wedding.]
I'm lucky to have two people who can play me a lullaby when I can't sleep.