( and didn’t he tell him that it was fine? lan wangji had never planned on marrying anyone, but being here with him, and knowing things he shouldn’t, makes it oddly easy to understand why he changed his mind. something happened. before this world. after yiling. something terrible that sizzles painful beneath his skin every time he looks at him. but it made room for something else, allowed it to expand and grow beyond measure, and it’s the love lan wangji feels now, foreign but so close to his heart, older than he is.
it’s what darkens his gaze bolder, almost defiant, if only for a fleeting moment. ) Then they are mine. ( and there’s no reason why he shouldn’t be able to look at them, aside from self-preservation, maybe. it’s the only thing that keeps him from reaching out for them, and his skin reddens instantly at how brazen he allowed himself to feel.
distantly, he thinks he might just enjoy it, and he looks away before he self-combusts, soundlessly clearing his throat as he tries to swallow. it’s so surreal. and it’s so potent at the same time. a number of rêveries comes back in a rush, a few glaringly more colorful than the others. he squirms. sits properly, back against the bed, clearly for balance. if his voice shakes a little, he pretends not to notice. ) The night of the masquerade… ( he looks up, tentatively so. ) …was it you? And during Modranicht… did we…? ( his voice trails off, and he hopes his face doesn’t look as hot as it feels. )
[what else can he say when lan zhan is absolutely right. wei wuxian slowly pulls the pictures from behind his back, looking down at them in his hands. but instead of handing them over, he hides them under his body, falling forward until his face and chest press against the floor.]
Lan Zhan, don't tease me!
[his words, muffled, and bold considering that his ass in the air probably does nothing to help his bonded. much less the twitching bunny tail that peeks through his robes.
he lifts just his head at first, chin resting against the floor before he sits up properly again. wei wuxian nods slowly, confirming the things that he thinks the other man already knows.]
I was the man in the mask. And...we broke many curses that night, just like you wanted.
[he presses his lips together, but the brightness of his eyes gives him away.]
( and don’t make him bolt out of here, because he will flee to meditate the rest of his life away. this is like having one foot in and one foot out, wavering on a line that’s familiar yet not quite familiar enough to remember the absolute ease that characterized their relationship. he looks at him and his fingers twitch; they remember, and it’s a struggle to try and school his expression as his mind keeps reeling in unison with his heart.
and his body.
he closes his eyes. it’s not necessarily easier to think, but he feels a little less exposed. his embarrassment is misplaced. they’re clearly well-acquainted with each other, but beyond his flustered dispositions, there’s a pang of regret that he can’t quite swallow past. his lashes flutter up. it’s the one thing that manages to salvage his composure, and his gaze softens a little contrite, hesitantly seeking his bonded’s. )
Wei Ying. ( his focus drifts downward, latching onto his hands, firmly gripping his thighs. ) I never meant to forget. ( it’s only a murmur, his way to apologize, and a confession. his memories may be fragmented, but his heart knows what his mind doesn’t, and it’s suffocating. he blinks, swallows. he feels so terribly young and so ridiculously old at the same time. ) Allow me to make amends... ( somehow. in time, everything might fall back into place, and... ) Learn my place again. ( at your side, and slowly he looks up, nostrils flaring as he quietly breathes in deep. )
[the guilt that he feels is also misplaced. neither of them understands exactly what happened. wei wuxian doubts that even the coven could explain what happened to lan wangji, but he's come to his own conclusions. it tried to pull lan wangji away, that power behind the mirrors that causes other people to be here one day and gone the next. and he knows in his heart that lan wangji resisted, he fought for his sake, and it's because of his efforts that he's able to touch him, to see him and hold his hands. what apology does he owe, when he's always done so much for him, and continues to this very day?
yeah, get you a man like lan wangji.
wei wuxian blinks against his tears, taking a deep breath that makes his shoulders rise and fall.]
I'll wait for you, and I'll help. I'm not going anywhere.
[because anything that tries to take him from lan wangji's side, he would also fight, risking his memories or even his life.]
( may i hold you. it’s the first thing he wants to know, and the one thing he’ll keep to himself. watching the tears in wei wuxian’s eyes, through his own, makes it harder to remain still, but there’s just so much to unpack here he doesn’t quite trust himself to get any closer without crushing his bones. so he anchors himself there, barely holding on as he wills himself to focus on the missing pieces.
now that he knows this, it’s safe to assume that the dreams he does dream hold more truth than fantasy. there’s quite a number of events he’d like to reconcile with, but some are still too hazy for him to know how to even address. so he thinks, a pensive frown as he lets out a slow, shuddery breath. ) I was informed that I should be much older. ( older than he feels, or is, but how old is he exactly now, with the grey in his hair?
his voice finally steadies, but not for long. ) After I left Yiling… ( his gaze grows a little distant, refocusing quickly. ) What fate befell you? How did we…? ( get together. or did it all happen here? )
[from their world. he'd always been extra careful, because not much escapes his bonded's attention. a clue that there was more to know and he'd certainly want to know it, even if it was to his detriment.
wei wuxian takes a deep breath and reaches for his hand.]
Things...got worse. I lost control of Wen Ning. [control was taken from him, but he's still gauging how much the other man can absorb at once.] He killed Jin Zixuan. He and Wen Qing, the others, they were all executed.
[his heart picks up a beat, urging lan wangji's along with it. it's all over and done with, and wei wuxian can't do a damn thing about it. only regret, if he lets it sink it into his bones, into the hollow space where his golden core once was. where the resentment once churned and ate away at him from the inside out.
he squeezes his hand.]
Lan Zhan, you don't have to hear any more. In the end, everything is settled.
( there’s something he isn’t telling him. for someone who was willing just a second ago to answer his questions, he’s pretty quick to cut it short... but more than that, it’s an ache he feels deep beneath his skin, making a mess of his heart and swelling where his eyes were starting to dry.
he can’t pinpoint what it is. it’s beyond frustrating, all these things just barely out of reach, but it hurts, in a way he knows must have been excruciating. he lost control. it’s the one thing he feared, the one thing he so desperately tried to prevent, going as far as disobeying for his sake, pestering him to offer his help. and when wei wuxian finally allowed him, he… what. let him down? let the worst happen?
his head swims. there’s a light film of sweat coating his skin as he blanches and loses his focus, nausea rolling high in his stomach. his throat burns. his eyes, too, and he’s afraid to ask. he’s afraid to know, but he must, because he can’t imagine what the world must have done to him after jin zixuan perished, after resentment got the best of a soul so kind.
he looks at him a little haggard, lips parted as he breathes shaky. his grip around wei wuxian’s hand tightens, an anchor for the hollow chasm in his chest, no strength in his voice. ) Have I ever returned? ( to yiling. after they parted, heart torn, mind as well. he left him, and he frowns dismayed, wondering what choices he might have made following wei wuxian’s loss of control. )
[if asked, wei wuxian would continue. he would tell him about nightless city, about sixteen years of waiting. about scars and jin guangyao. he's not even sure if it's relief that he feels when lan wangji doesn't immediately push for it. it means that it's still there, a looming threat hanging over them. a wound that can be torn open and made to bleed again.]
Lan Zhan.
[he places his hand on his shoulder, feeling his distress through their bond. wei wuxian moves for water then, pouring a cup and offering it to his lips with a quiet urge to drink.
even he's surprised at how he can smile at the question. maybe it's because he can give him hope through his answer, even if things are left out.]
( and he drinks. he drinks because it’s all the strength he can muster, the entirety of his mental lexicon buried under the erratic beats of his heart. wei wuxian’s smile, his touch, his words, they tear him apart, and yet he still breathes, unevenly so, struggling to pinpoint how he feels. but maybe it doesn’t matter. beyond the bond they share, maybe nothing does, words obsolete, only them, and the intrinsic certainty that his place is right here.
as is wei wuxian’s. conceptually and literally, and lan wangji takes his hand in his, a bold yet instinctive gesture. ) Stay here. ( in this room. a room they’ve shared in ways that’ll color his entire body crimson later, when he closes his eyes and ponders. a room that wei wuxian insisted on lending him, when it belonged to him just as much. ) Tonight. ( forever. it’s nowhere near a lewd proposition. it’s merely an attempt to let him in, to give back, literally and figuratively, because he doesn’t know how else to voice all the things that he wants, all the things that he feels, and finally do right by him. )
[there's no misunderstanding, lan wangji's meaning is simple and clear. but wei wuxian feels a rush of heat in his face nonetheless, spreading to the tips of his ears. even the thought of just lying by his side, of watching him while he sleeps, is enough to send his heart skipping as wildly as their wedding night.
he nods, swallowing hard against the lump in his throat so he can free up his voice again.]
Of course. By your side.
[they both know it's where he belongs. he finally understands lan wangji's drunken regrets about not being by his.
maybe he should go steal a couple of chickens for him. the idea makes him want to smile, but he presses his lips together, trying to resist it.]
( and that’s the thing, when you’re bonded to someone whose heart beats the same beats. when you let your walls crash and welcome everything in, regardless of the consequences. it’s like learning how to breathe again, and he feels, wei wuxian’s excitement, coloring his own cheeks. it’s a wave of warmth and peace that washes over him, and even though it’s a lot to take in all at once, it feels exactly as it should be.
it’s also the reason why he guesses the smile wei wuxian tries to suppress. brows furrowed in curiosity, he stares at the small twitch, just there at the corner of his lips, the same lips he’s kissed over and over just a few weeks ago. the same lips he knows he’ll kiss again someday, and the thought nearly incapacitates him. get a grip. and he does, focusing on the link between them, and the light flutter in his chest. )
You’re amused. ( it’s more of a statement than a question, but regardless, he wants to know why. )
[but even as he apologizes, the laughter still escapes, an abbreviated giggle hidden behind his fist.]
I was just reminded of the first time you proposed to me. [because that's exactly what it was, the censorship so weak that the only person who didn't realize it was wei wuxian. but all of lan wangji's actions had been so outlandish for a man who was normally so restrained, he really hadn't known what to think at all.] You were drunk and you tried to give me chickens.
[he wonders if he'll even believe him. but it's as they say, reality is stranger than fiction...and often funnier too. more laughter comes, spilling freely from his lips.]
Imagine if I'd accepted them! We might've been married without even knowing it!
[lan wangji clearly didn't remember the things that he said or did while drunk. and wei wuxian, well...]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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it’s what darkens his gaze bolder, almost defiant, if only for a fleeting moment. ) Then they are mine. ( and there’s no reason why he shouldn’t be able to look at them, aside from self-preservation, maybe. it’s the only thing that keeps him from reaching out for them, and his skin reddens instantly at how brazen he allowed himself to feel.
distantly, he thinks he might just enjoy it, and he looks away before he self-combusts, soundlessly clearing his throat as he tries to swallow. it’s so surreal. and it’s so potent at the same time. a number of rêveries comes back in a rush, a few glaringly more colorful than the others. he squirms. sits properly, back against the bed, clearly for balance. if his voice shakes a little, he pretends not to notice. ) The night of the masquerade… ( he looks up, tentatively so. ) …was it you? And during Modranicht… did we…? ( his voice trails off, and he hopes his face doesn’t look as hot as it feels. )
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[what else can he say when lan zhan is absolutely right. wei wuxian slowly pulls the pictures from behind his back, looking down at them in his hands. but instead of handing them over, he hides them under his body, falling forward until his face and chest press against the floor.]
Lan Zhan, don't tease me!
[his words, muffled, and bold considering that his ass in the air probably does nothing to help his bonded. much less the twitching bunny tail that peeks through his robes.
he lifts just his head at first, chin resting against the floor before he sits up properly again. wei wuxian nods slowly, confirming the things that he thinks the other man already knows.]
I was the man in the mask. And...we broke many curses that night, just like you wanted.
[he presses his lips together, but the brightness of his eyes gives him away.]
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and his body.
he closes his eyes. it’s not necessarily easier to think, but he feels a little less exposed. his embarrassment is misplaced. they’re clearly well-acquainted with each other, but beyond his flustered dispositions, there’s a pang of regret that he can’t quite swallow past. his lashes flutter up. it’s the one thing that manages to salvage his composure, and his gaze softens a little contrite, hesitantly seeking his bonded’s. )
Wei Ying. ( his focus drifts downward, latching onto his hands, firmly gripping his thighs. ) I never meant to forget. ( it’s only a murmur, his way to apologize, and a confession. his memories may be fragmented, but his heart knows what his mind doesn’t, and it’s suffocating. he blinks, swallows. he feels so terribly young and so ridiculously old at the same time. ) Allow me to make amends... ( somehow. in time, everything might fall back into place, and... ) Learn my place again. ( at your side, and slowly he looks up, nostrils flaring as he quietly breathes in deep. )
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[the guilt that he feels is also misplaced. neither of them understands exactly what happened. wei wuxian doubts that even the coven could explain what happened to lan wangji, but he's come to his own conclusions. it tried to pull lan wangji away, that power behind the mirrors that causes other people to be here one day and gone the next. and he knows in his heart that lan wangji resisted, he fought for his sake, and it's because of his efforts that he's able to touch him, to see him and hold his hands. what apology does he owe, when he's always done so much for him, and continues to this very day?
yeah, get you a man like lan wangji.
wei wuxian blinks against his tears, taking a deep breath that makes his shoulders rise and fall.]
I'll wait for you, and I'll help. I'm not going anywhere.
[because anything that tries to take him from lan wangji's side, he would also fight, risking his memories or even his life.]
Uhm...is there anything you want to know?
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now that he knows this, it’s safe to assume that the dreams he does dream hold more truth than fantasy. there’s quite a number of events he’d like to reconcile with, but some are still too hazy for him to know how to even address. so he thinks, a pensive frown as he lets out a slow, shuddery breath. ) I was informed that I should be much older. ( older than he feels, or is, but how old is he exactly now, with the grey in his hair?
his voice finally steadies, but not for long. ) After I left Yiling… ( his gaze grows a little distant, refocusing quickly. ) What fate befell you? How did we…? ( get together. or did it all happen here? )
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[from their world. he'd always been extra careful, because not much escapes his bonded's attention. a clue that there was more to know and he'd certainly want to know it, even if it was to his detriment.
wei wuxian takes a deep breath and reaches for his hand.]
Things...got worse. I lost control of Wen Ning. [control was taken from him, but he's still gauging how much the other man can absorb at once.] He killed Jin Zixuan. He and Wen Qing, the others, they were all executed.
[his heart picks up a beat, urging lan wangji's along with it. it's all over and done with, and wei wuxian can't do a damn thing about it. only regret, if he lets it sink it into his bones, into the hollow space where his golden core once was. where the resentment once churned and ate away at him from the inside out.
he squeezes his hand.]
Lan Zhan, you don't have to hear any more. In the end, everything is settled.
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he can’t pinpoint what it is. it’s beyond frustrating, all these things just barely out of reach, but it hurts, in a way he knows must have been excruciating. he lost control. it’s the one thing he feared, the one thing he so desperately tried to prevent, going as far as disobeying for his sake, pestering him to offer his help. and when wei wuxian finally allowed him, he… what. let him down? let the worst happen?
his head swims. there’s a light film of sweat coating his skin as he blanches and loses his focus, nausea rolling high in his stomach. his throat burns. his eyes, too, and he’s afraid to ask. he’s afraid to know, but he must, because he can’t imagine what the world must have done to him after jin zixuan perished, after resentment got the best of a soul so kind.
he looks at him a little haggard, lips parted as he breathes shaky. his grip around wei wuxian’s hand tightens, an anchor for the hollow chasm in his chest, no strength in his voice. ) Have I ever returned? ( to yiling. after they parted, heart torn, mind as well. he left him, and he frowns dismayed, wondering what choices he might have made following wei wuxian’s loss of control. )
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Lan Zhan.
[he places his hand on his shoulder, feeling his distress through their bond. wei wuxian moves for water then, pouring a cup and offering it to his lips with a quiet urge to drink.
even he's surprised at how he can smile at the question. maybe it's because he can give him hope through his answer, even if things are left out.]
I returned to you.
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as is wei wuxian’s. conceptually and literally, and lan wangji takes his hand in his, a bold yet instinctive gesture. ) Stay here. ( in this room. a room they’ve shared in ways that’ll color his entire body crimson later, when he closes his eyes and ponders. a room that wei wuxian insisted on lending him, when it belonged to him just as much. ) Tonight. ( forever. it’s nowhere near a lewd proposition. it’s merely an attempt to let him in, to give back, literally and figuratively, because he doesn’t know how else to voice all the things that he wants, all the things that he feels, and finally do right by him. )
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[there's no misunderstanding, lan wangji's meaning is simple and clear. but wei wuxian feels a rush of heat in his face nonetheless, spreading to the tips of his ears. even the thought of just lying by his side, of watching him while he sleeps, is enough to send his heart skipping as wildly as their wedding night.
he nods, swallowing hard against the lump in his throat so he can free up his voice again.]
Of course. By your side.
[they both know it's where he belongs. he finally understands lan wangji's drunken regrets about not being by his.
maybe he should go steal a couple of chickens for him. the idea makes him want to smile, but he presses his lips together, trying to resist it.]
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it’s also the reason why he guesses the smile wei wuxian tries to suppress. brows furrowed in curiosity, he stares at the small twitch, just there at the corner of his lips, the same lips he’s kissed over and over just a few weeks ago. the same lips he knows he’ll kiss again someday, and the thought nearly incapacitates him. get a grip. and he does, focusing on the link between them, and the light flutter in his chest. )
You’re amused. ( it’s more of a statement than a question, but regardless, he wants to know why. )
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[but even as he apologizes, the laughter still escapes, an abbreviated giggle hidden behind his fist.]
I was just reminded of the first time you proposed to me. [because that's exactly what it was, the censorship so weak that the only person who didn't realize it was wei wuxian. but all of lan wangji's actions had been so outlandish for a man who was normally so restrained, he really hadn't known what to think at all.] You were drunk and you tried to give me chickens.
[he wonders if he'll even believe him. but it's as they say, reality is stranger than fiction...and often funnier too. more laughter comes, spilling freely from his lips.]
Imagine if I'd accepted them! We might've been married without even knowing it!
[lan wangji clearly didn't remember the things that he said or did while drunk. and wei wuxian, well...]