weiward | inbox (penance)

( oh you poor, sweet fool. lan wangji’s never doubted his humanity. even after he came out of the burial mounds falsely unscathed, a dizi in lieu of a blade. wei wuxian’s heart remained undefiled, uncorrupted, while the self-proclaimed pristine gentry of their world metaphorically basked in his blood.

it’s a difficult road to roam, but one that will hopefully lead to some well-deserved peace of mind. wei wuxian’s unease is a tangible thing in lan wangji’s throat, and he breathes in deep, always soundless, before giving a slight nod. ) Mistakes were made. ( and he isn’t exactly faultless, either. he stalled when he shouldn’t have. didn’t question when he should have, and another took advantage, conveniently throwing wei wuxian to the wolves. he bears the bites still, some more visible than others; lan wangji’s eyes drift from his to his horns, and then back down, faintly apologetic. ) You do not belong here. ( in hell, rather than in his vicinity, but he doesn’t catch the double-entendre his meaning could possibly hold. )

They were mine. I know I shouldn't have attempted Empathy on my own.

[it's just the wei wuxian way to shoulder as much as he can by himself, caring little for the dangers that it posed to him. only it wasn't just him. a filthy spirit took over his body and demanded such a vile thing from lan zhan. greedy hands touched him, his hands, and he's been a little afraid to touch him ever since. it makes his mouth taste sour. he looks down into the pool, their reflections shimmering on the surface of the water. are the horns bigger today? he would swear that they shouldn't be that noticeable. but the other man's eyes definitely went to them.

wei wuxian lifts his head again at those words, eyebrows lifting before he takes a slow look behind him. he's not sure what lan wangji is getting at.]

Me? Lan Zhan, if not here, then where?

( wait, what. empathy…? oh. empathy. not a particularly fun encounter, granted, though it was hardly anything to deter lan wangji. nothing ever has. nothing ever will, jin ling’s revelation another proof of his unbreakable certainty, and he shakes his head and he purses his mouth mildly alarmed, trying to ignore the pang in his chest when wei wuxian looks behind him, and how weary he seems to be. )

No. Wei Ying… ( a long, quiet inhale, lips parted. ) I spoke to Jin Rulan. ( which is… another thing to talk about certainly, but later. ) Both he and Sizhui, a future we were not allowed. ( his eyes flicker a little wistful, and then he cautiously reaches for his hand, fingers loosely curled between his. ) But they know. The sins we were all made to believe were your own… were not.

[his nephew's name brings up another unrelated concern. he knows that the boy wasn't looking forward to his talk with lan wangji, one that wei wuxian still encouraged him to have. he wasn't even sure that he actually would, but his words confirm it.

maybe this isn't about the possession at all, which is a relief but also leads him to wonder where the conversation is going. it hardly matters once lan wangji takes his hand, his eyes drawn to their interlaced fingers. wei wuxian suddenly feels like placing his head in the other man's lap to cry, or maybe just sleep for a hundred years.

he keeps listening instead, because it's surely something important that made him seek him out. and even once the words are said, wei wuxian continues to not understand for a moment.]

Lan Zhan, what are you saying. If they weren't mine, than whose were they?

[he can't imagine. but he does remember those times of greatest tragedy, when he seemingly lost control and couldn't understand why. something didn't feel right then.]

( it seems far-fetched. it isn’t. the night of the battle, another string of different notes, subtle but there, and it makes so much sense now that he knows, four years too late. it’s a bitter tang on his tongue, but it’s a hint of hope, too, for wei wuxian and his long overdue peace of mind, even if the future holds grim repercussions...

...but that future isn’t theirs anymore. a new life awaits them at the end of this hellish tunnel, free of sins, of this. a life together.

it’s a wish he prays for in loaded silence, and he gives wei wuxian’s hand a squeeze, fingers gently flexing between his, a bashful caress. ) Jin Guangyao. ( his jaw clenches on the name, a mournful thought for his brother. ) Your unfortunate predicament, used against you. The notes you played, distorted. Wei Ying. ( he takes a moment to really look at him, all soft and tender lines. ) You are many things… but villainy does not become you.

Meng Yao?

[because he thinks of the man he knew before he became jin guangyao, before jin guangshan gave him a new name as a way of laying claim to sunshot's glory. wei wuxian blinks a few times, struggling to believe it of the polite, timid man that he'd known. what had he ever done to him? how had he ever wronged him to deserve that?

but then he remembers how their world worked. how sometimes it was just about finding someone convenient to place the blame on. a scapegoat or a stepping stone. lan wangji confirms it, and a faint smile crosses his lips again.

he looks up into his lover's eyes, which are so earnest. they reflect what he should be feeling. but again, he had learned certain truths about their home the hard way.]

Thank you, Lan Zhan. It eases me to know. [but? there is definitely a 'but' in there.] But even without Jin Guangyao, most people's opinions of me probably wouldn't have been much better.

( timing is everything. if not wei wuxian, then someone else, though he was the perfect scapegoat, conveniently abused for power and vengeance. but he’s not wrong. even without jin guangyao, he would have been painted a color that never could have suited their precepts, left behind like a stray dog. lan wangji doesn’t try to argue. he knows better, the kind of fate that would have awaited him regardless, but. )

Yours matter. ( his opinion of himself, so low before his death, and even here. lan wangji offers a faint reassuring smile, subtly inching closer. ) Do you know where you belong now?

[his opinion of himself used to be so high. the wei wuxian of lotus pier had it all: skills and looks, charm and wit. the yiling patriarch had only blood and the cursed dirt that he'd eaten, a flute instead of a proper sword, and coldness where his golden core had been.

but both of them had lan wangji. his opinion matters too, and if wei wuxian wants to be a just man for him and himself, this truth has certainly helped him with that.]

I know where I want to be. [his smile stretches as he bumps against his shoulder. he wants to belong by lan wangji's side...he does belong there, because lan wangji doesn't deserve lonliness. he doesn't deserve to stand against a corrupt world alone. to the lan wangji who gives him everything, he would give the same.] Ah...Lan Zhan, can I ask you a question? [he's nervous, perhaps more than he's ever been in his life. but lan wangji's proximity is reassuring.] Do the horns...do they bother you?

( it’s an answer that’s felt rather than cerebrally understood, and boy does lan wangji feel the same. all his life, he thought he knew. he did, to an extent, where he should belong. but nothing’s ever resonated as loudly as wei wuxian’s presence does, and just like him, he knows where he wants to be.

his nervousness is a little contagious. wei wuxian brings up his horns with the kind of uncertainty that’s plagued lan wangji’s own mind in the past few days, but he’s quick to shake his head, despite the faint hesitation in his gaze. the horns don’t bother him, but... he definitely knows where he’s coming from.

he hasn’t touched him lately. not like that, and mentally he berates himself, wondering if it might have encouraged wei wuxian’s insecurities. ) Forgive me if I have been distant. You seemed… ( his skin reddens lightly, cheekbones and ear tips alike. ) ...weary. ( and he doesn’t want to smother!! but there is something else, and his gaze wavers away, a trifle embarrassed. ) I, too, have undergone certain… changes. ( and he stubbornly stares down into his lap, cheeks hotter by the second. )

[lan wangji doesn't lie. so when he answers, however wordlessly, wei wuxian knows that it's really not his horns that are the problem. but again, there is something. he can see it in his eyes.

really, it shouldn't have bothered him so quickly. a few nights without is nothing, especially when lan zhan is still there for him in all the ways that ultimately matter more. but it has claimed a place of importance between them for more than just the carnal pleasure of it. lan wangji can communicate so much with his eyes and his body, especially the parts he shares only with him. there is a language to their lovemaking and wei wuxian is eager to become fluent.]

I'm never too tired for you.

[it's soft but true. his touch always gives wei wuxian exactly what he needs, can energize him or soothe him. but it's his next confession that has him truly concerned.]

You have? [he looks up but sees no horns, no change in his eyes, no wings from his back when he peeks behind him.] Lan Zhan, you look the same to me. What's changed?

[maybe if lan wangji had a neon arrow sign pointing at his crotch, the idiot would get it.]

( it’s almost funny, how much he can reveal with his body, when touch has always been a bit of a foreign concept. but it yields for wei wuxian, like the rest of him bloomed at the sight of his smile, and lan wangji is both lost and found in his vicinity, utterly smitten. no matter how dense his lover can sometimes be.

never too tired for you, he says, and a hint of interest rises between his thighs, despite his best efforts. it’s relatively short-lived as wei wuxian’s scrutiny lingers, and lan wangji’s gaze slowly swivels up, a sheepish frown. )

It swells. ( welp, and he nearly clicks his tongue, a huff through his nose. ) In a highly peculiar way. ( three mornings in a row, after waking from particularly lewd dreams, but the reasons, benefits or disadvantages are completely lost on him. )

['it'? his eyes go to where lan wangji's did earlier, and finally it dawns on him.]

Does it hurt?

[concern is wei wuxian's first reaction, watching lan wangji's face with a frown on his lips. his horns brought occasional headaches with their eruption, despite his thick skull. changes could be agony for such a tender part.]

( lips twisted a little downward, lan wangji’s chin slightly tips with the curve, signaling that it doesn’t hurt. ) Only the first night. ( when the change occurred, or so he can only surmises. he remembers the strange sensation there as he fell asleep, itching, throbbing, altogether unpleasant, and when he opened his eyes the next morning, nestled against wei wuxian…

his chest rises as he breathes in, a slow sigh exhaled. he’s not exactly sure of the purpose, of the why, much less hellish looking than wei wuxian’s new appendages, but not everything here is rational, and they’ve both learned the hard way. still, his thumb traces idle shapes along wei wuxian’s, a timid touch to reassure, to apologize. ) But it might hurt you. ( and his ears are the verge of explosion. )

[and that's when the last piece slots into place, and wei wuxian is reminded for the last time of how lan wangji does so much with him in mind - or in this case, it's what he didn't do with him in mind, leading wei wuxian to assume something the very opposite of the truth.

his sigh is as soft as his smile, a fond curve of his lips as he looks at him. how shocked he must've been when he discovered it, the shame doubled when admitted to another. wei wuxian invites himself into lan wangji's lap in wordless acceptance, careful as he settles there, facing him with his arms draped over those broad shoulders.]

Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan, you could never hurt me. [wei wuxian has known so much pain, some of it without a physical source. whatever discomfort that he might feel brought about by the changes to lan wangji's body, he could never hurt him. it's nothing he can't bear, he's certain of it.] Listen, I bet it's just backed up. You haven't been releasing into me. You've held it all in and it's caused it to swell.

[wen qing would be horrified for more reasons than one.]

( ...wow. not just wen qing. lan wangji as well, and his eyes widen mortified, a distant twinge of panic in the middle of his sternum. )

Wei Ying. ( whisper-yelled, a mild admonition, but then wei wuxian is exactly where he belongs and lan wangji mollifies like a cat basking in sunlight, arms instinctively sneaking around him. it’s no use. lan wangji is irrevocably caught, both his body and his heart naturally responding to him; he huffs a fondly exasperated sigh, tentatively nuzzling the shape of his jaw as he dares to humor him. )

A predicament I would have suffered much sooner, if it were true. ( and he pulls him a little closer, a familiar warmth teasing his senses, pooling hotter in his chest and between his thighs. )

[sorry lan zhan, but the one your heart beats for is not easily shocked, shamed, or intimidated. if anything, his gentle reprimand only makes him worse.]

Mm, I'd say you were just lucky. [he tilts his head, helping lan wangji's lips find where his pulse beats in his neck. it's been steady, but his warmth and affection definitely quicken it. wei wuxian exhales through his lips, basking in the feeling before he opens his eyes. a quick glance around the poolroom confirms that they're still alone.] Lan Zhan, I don't want to wait until tonight. Let's do it right here. Let me handle what's troubled you so much.

[wei wuxian can feel him stirring awake against the curve of his ass, the swell of it nothing but enticing.]

( not a villain, but definitely wicked. and so greedy! but lan wangji’s certainly one to talk, when the rest of him combusts at the thought of taking him right here, right now. it’s a faint thread of lingering propriety that gives him pause, but even as he stalls in his neck, even as he glances askance to find no one, his hold tightens and he coaxes him lower, closer, until he’s firmly pressed against his now full erection. )

Wei Ying. ( already strained, and he breathes him in as fingers round the shape of his ass, cupping and slipping underneath fabric. ) We could be seen. ( he says it for good measure, and he should be ashamed, really, for indulging the odd thrill that causes his hips to roll against him, brazenly seeking friction.

alas, he isn’t. )

[the low moan that escapes wei wuxian's lips is not a ploy on his part, not a deliberate part of his seduction. it's a natural reaction to feeling the thick length of lan wangji's cock pressing against him and the waking hunger inside of him. lan wangji's body speaks for him again, promising to open him up with a pleasure that makes the yiling patriarch forget every hatred and hardship and feel only how loved he is.]

We could be. [he nods slowly, voice huskier when he speaks.] I suspect I'll be heard first. Maybe they'll come in unaware, or maybe they'll want to see you driving me crazy for themself. [wei wuxian seeks his mouth, finds it, and suckles the sweetness from his lips with a lazy kiss.] You're so beautiful when you're fucking me. Lucifer himself could come in to watch, I won't stop. I want you too badly Lan Zhan.

[he shivers at his touch before pressing his ass down and rocking against him. wei wuxian opens his eyes, gaze still heavy-lidded as he looks into the other man's.]

Take me. Reshape me around you. I'm already yours, Lan Zhan, I don't want anyone else.

( the moan spurs him on, but the words even more so, and lan wangji nearly spills himself right there and then, a broken moan of his own. it’s been too long. he lost the strength to resist him the moment it sank in that wei wuxian’s heart beat the same, and it shows now, in the abruptness of his movements as he gives his ribbon a quick yank, feverishly reaching between them to pull himself free and tug at wei wuxian’s pants for access. it’s swift, half-clumsy, but the tongue and the lips across wei wuxian’s, down his throat, it’s slow, despite the urgency, the grazing of his teeth as languorous as his kisses.

let them hear. he’s so far past caring already, desperate to reacquaint himself with his warmth, own his body as wei wuxian owns him whole. but he won’t let them see, a sight he won’t share, possessive as he pushes him onto his back and towers above him, between his legs. the space is minimal, pants down to their knees, but it’s all he needs as he quickly coats himself with spit and precum, leaning down with the blunt head of his cock prodding wei wuxian’s entrance. ) No one will lay eyes upon you. ( and he slides in with a long, breathless groan, vision momentarily blurred as it slowly refocuses on wei wuxian’s handsome face, peppering kisses all over to distract from the sting he knows he must have felt. )

[lan wangji has always moved with grace, making even brutal combat look more like a dance. but there's more to it than that, something even more impressive. his movements are the epitome of efficiency, never a muscle wasted. and it really shows now in how quick he is, how easy it is for him to pull wei wuxian's pants halfway down his legs while disrobing himself. there doesn't seem anything clumsy about it at all, not to him.

the drag of his mouth might as well be the strike of a match, one that sets wei wuxian's entire being on fire. he moans again, fingers curling in his hair to hold him close as he lies back. his eyes are as dark as pitch as he looks up at him. wei wuxian might be "colorful" with his language, but his lover's firm declaration is what turns him on. lan wangji's passion is a force of nature that manifests in dozens of ways, from his possessive jealousy to his fierce devotion. he wouldn't change a thing.

he wills himself to relax, though he's eager to be filled by him, clenching from the first prod like he could drag him inside. wei wuxian's body knows him as well as his heart does, and pleasure has a shape and a length in his memory.

it goes beyond that this time, the knot unfamiliar but forcing him to accept it. there's a surprised sound at the end of his moan, and his body arches and squirms while his fingers curl into lan wangji's shoulders. for a moment he looks up into his eyes, suddenly struck by the fear that his lover is an illusion, that maybe he's been tricked into taking someone or something else into him. he wouldn't care about the violation, only his infidelity to the one he loves.

the touch of those lips instantly reassures him. no one but lan zhan could ever kiss him so sweetly, his entire heart felt with every press against his cheek, his forehead, his mouth.

wei wuxian breathes and tells himself that he will not break.]

Lan Zhan, look at me. Please.

[to show him that he's alright, to make sure that lan wangji is too. to connect in more than just their bodies. he meets his eyes with a smile, more encouraging than any words he could ever say.]

You're amazing.

( pray for the unfortunate soul that would dare to violate or harm wei wuxian in any way. he’s endured more than a single man should have, and here lan wangji shields and loves him all at once, a cloak of white robes and warmth. there’s a certain note of vulnerability in wei wuxian’s voice as he calls his name, one lan wangji feels in his bones. his focus sharpens. he looks, long lashes fluttering as the muscles in his chest tighten and squeeze, breath hitching at the overflow of affection the smile he’s so freely given causes. )

Wei Ying… ( he can’t be sure whether he manages to smile back, softly panting above him as he gently rocks into him, nuzzling and gazing into his eyes. it’s the only dance he’ll ever learn, rhythm in tune with the beat of their want, and he kisses his nose, his brows, making a point to stop and linger where he now has horns, refusing to dismiss any part of him. because he’s amazing, too, the better part of himself.

it’s only when he reaches lower, fingers in his hair as he noses along his collarbones that he notices something a little odd. the strokes inside him are shallower than usual, though he didn’t pay much attention until now, buried to the hilt and barely thrusting, lazy rolls of his hips. and he can’t pull out. it becomes glaringly obvious as he arches his back to try and brush his mouth across wei wuxian’s chest, fails, and frowns as he dips his chin and looks down between their bodies, feeling particularly swollen. ) Wei Ying…? ( is that a hint of panic in his voice? gradually he stops moving, pushing himself up on the palms of his hands and shooting his lover a flustered glance.

he’s stuck. )

Lan Zhan...

[he murmurs his name back to him, mistaking his lover's alarm for passion at first. he's also noticed that lan wangji's thrusts aren't as powerful as they normally are, that he doesn't feel them rocking his entire body. he's clearly giving him time to adjust to the new swell of him, a consideration that wei wuxian appreciates. it still feels amazing, just being joined with him like this, the shallow thrusts pulling moans and whimpers from his lips.

and then a soft gasp when lan wangji tests it. his brow furrows, but he knows it's just something that he'll get used to. the ache will become something almost pleasant, a reminder of what they create and share with each other. his own cock has risen and leaks between them.

but lan wangji's warmth is suddenly lifted from him. wei wuxian opens his eyes to look at him questioningly, a hand to touch his face.]

What is it? What's wrong? [but then he feels it too, the way he's held open, how there's just no room for him to relax and help the other free himself.] A-ah, Lan Zhan, are you...?

[don't panic, don't panic. if he has to die, there's a lot worse ways to go than this.]

( yes. he is, and wei wuxian’s palm on his cheek must feel incredibly warm, for how scaldingly hot his skin has become. is this punishment? for craving him too much despite his restraint of the past few days, and giving in here where they could be easily caught. if lan wangji was one to swear, he’d shame his ancestors right about now, but in lieu of a curse, a sound, half-whimper half-groan as he leans back down and finds shelter in the crook of his neck. )

It’s grown too large. ( his ears burn, but beyond his embarrassment, concern guides his arms tighter around wei wuxian’s body, an apologetic and affectionate embrace. it doesn’t help that it still feels good, unable to will it down when wei wuxian pulses so blissfully around him, and he frowns and he groans again, carefully pulling his lover up with him as he resumes their initial position. )

Forgive me. ( for the pain he might have caused or be causing, a little pitiful as he offers a remorseful glance, and then he closes his eyes, inhaling deep. ) Allow me to regain my composure. ( aka, give him some time to loosen his horny grip so that he might lose his erection. )

[hot and red. lan wangji's embarrassment is so obvious that wei wuxian forgets all about his own discomfort. he breathes out as his lover breathes in, and then smiles in spite of their situation.]

Lan Zhan, there's nothing between you and me that needs forgiven.

[he didn't ask for this, and wei wuxian wouldn't reject him for it anyway. wei wuxian holds him too, stroking a soothing hand down the other's back while he hides against him.]

If we were back in our room, I'd even welcome having you in me all night. [wait...that's probably not helping with his horniness levels. wei wuxian forgets himself and squirms on his lap, the careless movement drawing a hiss from his lips.] Let me help you. I know, I'll just keep talking. I used to talk a lot back at Cloud Recesses and you were never turned on there! [...] Let's see, what's the most un-sexy thing to Hanguang Jun...ah! I know! I'll talk about my favorite chili oil! Lan Zhan, have you ever tried Old Grand Master chili sauce?

( his only reassurance is that it doesn’t seem to pain wei wuxian, minus the usual and initial discomfort. because there’s something else to worry about. if they do manage to get it down... what then. is he doomed to be deprived of his snug warmth forever? of his body writhing in unison with his, and the blissful sounds he makes when lan wangji nudges just the right spot?

one problem at a time. maybe once he manages to withdraw, they’ll figure something out. breathe. and he does, stifling a moan when wei wuxian moves against him, sighing deep and chasing after the same inner strength that’s always managed to calm his mind. but it’s hard, when his lover starts babbling, and lan wangji is caught under the same spell that’s been affecting him since day one, from the first smile and the first hint of charming nonsense that would forever change him.

his lips curl of their own volition, hold tightening without crushing. and he looks up. at him. gazes and listens and watches with the patience of a saint, impossibly fond. he shakes his head, because of course he hasn't. ) Tell me. ( this chili or any other.

in which wei wuxian will have to learn the hard way (!) that everything he does has always turned him on, a physical and emotional response he can no longer hide. )

Edited 2020-10-29 17:50 (UTC)

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weiward - 2020-10-29 23:18 (UTC) - Expand