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inbox (penance)
if he doesn't answer, he's probably at the bar.
(he's probably at the bar.)
if he doesn't answer, he's probably at the bar.
(he's probably at the bar.)
( a month. a year. more, or less; it doesn’t matter, when time is measured in scars, and lan wangji escapes literal torture only to be dropped off where reality doesn’t make much more sense. physically, the changes are subtle. a narrower waist, a paler complexion. something a little distant around the eyes, visible exhaustion. it’s where his heart continuously dropped that most of the pain remains, so low his chest feels strangely numb, and his throat has been scorched raw from cries and screams that still color his sclera pink.
his hand shakes around his device, standing rigid in front of the hotel. it’s been an hour and he’s barely moved, afraid that all the tricks played on his mind weren’t just that, and he doesn’t know how he’d cope right now, if silence met his call. it only exacerbates the ache lodged between his ribs, a desperate need to see him, and after a long moment of hesitation, he finally presses the keys to reach him. )
Wei Ying… ( a rasp, croaky and barely louder than the static on the line as he clutches the phone, and anything else he might have said shatters in the shaky breath he holds. )
his hand shakes around his device, standing rigid in front of the hotel. it’s been an hour and he’s barely moved, afraid that all the tricks played on his mind weren’t just that, and he doesn’t know how he’d cope right now, if silence met his call. it only exacerbates the ache lodged between his ribs, a desperate need to see him, and after a long moment of hesitation, he finally presses the keys to reach him. )
Wei Ying… ( a rasp, croaky and barely louder than the static on the line as he clutches the phone, and anything else he might have said shatters in the shaky breath he holds. )
[it's been a month that felt like a year, giving wei wuxian the slightest taste of an eternity here without lan wangji. but isn't that what he wanted? for him to be free, free of the tortures and temptations often forced upon them. free of him and the misfortune that the yiling patriarch brings. returned to the fresh air the sunlight, to the light.
wei wuxian has kept trying in his absence, but it was never for himself. it was for sizhui and jin ling, xiao xingchen and song lan. others that he hoped would one day leave him, and then he could finally submit himself to the oblivion of alcohol. he could lose his mind and hell could do whatever it wanted with his body.
instead, he's been dragging it back to his room and throwing it across his bed, crying and screaming into his pillow, getting the worst of it out so maybe the young lan and his nephew won't catch on to his misery when he checks on them later. he's not been anywhere, and yet he looks similar - thinner, paler, eyes rimmed in red. staring at nothing until his burning eyes force him to blink. but lan wangji's voice brings him back. his gaze widens and shifts to his phone before he lunges for it. he knocks it off the bed in his haste, and sends it spinning across the floor. wei wuxian gracelessly follows, tumbling onto the hard surface and gripping it for dear life once he does get his hands on it.]
Lan Zhan? Lan Zhan, can you hear me!
wei wuxian has kept trying in his absence, but it was never for himself. it was for sizhui and jin ling, xiao xingchen and song lan. others that he hoped would one day leave him, and then he could finally submit himself to the oblivion of alcohol. he could lose his mind and hell could do whatever it wanted with his body.
instead, he's been dragging it back to his room and throwing it across his bed, crying and screaming into his pillow, getting the worst of it out so maybe the young lan and his nephew won't catch on to his misery when he checks on them later. he's not been anywhere, and yet he looks similar - thinner, paler, eyes rimmed in red. staring at nothing until his burning eyes force him to blink. but lan wangji's voice brings him back. his gaze widens and shifts to his phone before he lunges for it. he knocks it off the bed in his haste, and sends it spinning across the floor. wei wuxian gracelessly follows, tumbling onto the hard surface and gripping it for dear life once he does get his hands on it.]
Lan Zhan? Lan Zhan, can you hear me!
( windblast. wei wuxian’s voice is like that, real, unlocking lan wangji’s lungs and punching out a long, shuddering breath as he reaches deep inside himself to get it together, screwing his eyes shut against an oncoming headache. or maybe it’s just another cascade of tears; he’s too tired to know the difference, shaking everywhere as he struggles not to sob, not to drop to his knees and cry like a child. but there’s a time for everything, and he can’t afford to be weak now; if nothing else, the nightmares he just endured—sometimes more tangible than reality—only carved his guilt deeper, and budding determination takes root at the center of his bleeding heart, keeping him on his feet. )
Wei Ying. ( every syllable hurts; he tastes blood on his tongue, though he’ll be damned if that ever keeps him from uttering his name. he takes a step forward, assessing the decrepit building with a mix of rancor and apprehension, lips pursed acrid as demons walk and sneer past him. ) Your room?
Wei Ying. ( every syllable hurts; he tastes blood on his tongue, though he’ll be damned if that ever keeps him from uttering his name. he takes a step forward, assessing the decrepit building with a mix of rancor and apprehension, lips pursed acrid as demons walk and sneer past him. ) Your room?
Where are you?
[he throws open the door to his room, but he still doesn't know which way to go, which direction will bring him to his side faster. it makes more sense to wait here for him, rather than going out only to end up right back here again. but the month has been so long and it's an urge that's hard to fight.]
Lan Zhan, I'm here.
[he can hear the pain in his voice, and it burns a new brand against his heart, unseen but just as painful. he hurries down one end of the hallway, still desperate to catch that first glimpse of him. when he turns around, he sees lan wangji's staggering approach from the other end.]
Lan Zhan! [wei wuxian runs to him, horrified gaze scanning him from head to toe, hand touching the rare spots that don't look too injured.] What did they do to you?
[he throws open the door to his room, but he still doesn't know which way to go, which direction will bring him to his side faster. it makes more sense to wait here for him, rather than going out only to end up right back here again. but the month has been so long and it's an urge that's hard to fight.]
Lan Zhan, I'm here.
[he can hear the pain in his voice, and it burns a new brand against his heart, unseen but just as painful. he hurries down one end of the hallway, still desperate to catch that first glimpse of him. when he turns around, he sees lan wangji's staggering approach from the other end.]
Lan Zhan! [wei wuxian runs to him, horrified gaze scanning him from head to toe, hand touching the rare spots that don't look too injured.] What did they do to you?
( nothing he hasn’t already done to himself. nothing he hasn’t caused, allowed, and wei wuxian is flesh and blood before him like he hasn’t died a thousand times in the past month, a wail in lan wangji’s throat that he forcibly swallows down. his blade drops. his phone as well. lashes flutter low at his touch and still lan wangji gently pushes his hand away, only to crowd his space and briskly crush him against his body. ) Nothing I did not deserve.
( it’s what he says instead as his muscles relax for the first time in what feels like an eternity, high-strung still but easily curling against him. and to think he’d been well on his way, back home, to live without him. forever. but his resignation now is irrevocably splintered; he knows he couldn’t survive him twice, not after all of this, and he pulls him in harder, voice like sandpaper as he grits his teeth on his name, one stray tear running down his cheek. ) Wei Ying. Ease my mind, tell me that you have been well. ( that the matching red in his eyes or the paleness of his skin is just an illusion, that he hasn't suffered like he has, out of reach, unprotected. )
( it’s what he says instead as his muscles relax for the first time in what feels like an eternity, high-strung still but easily curling against him. and to think he’d been well on his way, back home, to live without him. forever. but his resignation now is irrevocably splintered; he knows he couldn’t survive him twice, not after all of this, and he pulls him in harder, voice like sandpaper as he grits his teeth on his name, one stray tear running down his cheek. ) Wei Ying. Ease my mind, tell me that you have been well. ( that the matching red in his eyes or the paleness of his skin is just an illusion, that he hasn't suffered like he has, out of reach, unprotected. )
[he worries, however good it feels, that every little point of contact brings him pain in some way. and yet he can't maintain the distance between them either, can only wrap his arms around him and hold him tighter, every muscle of his body promising to never let him go again.]
That's not true.
[were it anyone else, the mere suggestion that lan wangji deserves suffering would be fighting words. but hearing them from his lips makes wei wuxian's eyes sting with frustrated tears. it's the one impasse between them, the one thing they will never agree on. the sound that he makes could be a snort, or it could be the hiccup of a sob. how does he tell him that he hasn't been well at all? that without him he's been miserable and more damned than any other moment here? ease my mind, he says, and wei wuxian doesn't resort to words for a change. instead he turns his head to seek lan wangji's lips, covering them with his own. it's not an overly heated kiss, despite the soft sounds that come from deep in his throat as he opens up to him. but there's still something desperate about it, a little hungry. a month of hardships can be healed as long as lan wangji is there to hold and kiss.
he breaks it with a shuddering breath, forehead touching the other man's.]
Lan Zhan, let's go inside. Let me ease every part of you.
[nothing too quickly. he just needs to see more of him, touch more of him. tend to him.]
That's not true.
[were it anyone else, the mere suggestion that lan wangji deserves suffering would be fighting words. but hearing them from his lips makes wei wuxian's eyes sting with frustrated tears. it's the one impasse between them, the one thing they will never agree on. the sound that he makes could be a snort, or it could be the hiccup of a sob. how does he tell him that he hasn't been well at all? that without him he's been miserable and more damned than any other moment here? ease my mind, he says, and wei wuxian doesn't resort to words for a change. instead he turns his head to seek lan wangji's lips, covering them with his own. it's not an overly heated kiss, despite the soft sounds that come from deep in his throat as he opens up to him. but there's still something desperate about it, a little hungry. a month of hardships can be healed as long as lan wangji is there to hold and kiss.
he breaks it with a shuddering breath, forehead touching the other man's.]
Lan Zhan, let's go inside. Let me ease every part of you.
[nothing too quickly. he just needs to see more of him, touch more of him. tend to him.]
( it’s how they’ve come to comfort each other. it should be reserved for lovers, but whatever they are, touching wei wuxian has never felt wrong. wei wuxian touching him has always felt right, even back when he wouldn’t let anyone approach him. wei wuxian could never be deterred... until he lost everything, and there’s nothing lan wangji wouldn’t give now, to alleviate the heavy burden of absence wei wuxian constantly has to endure.
there’s an obvious chasm between them, where words collide with old and new pains. wei wuxian doesn’t answer his question, an answer on its own, like his kiss. maybe it’s why he seeks his mouth again once the door closes behind them. maybe it’s why he chases after the taste of him like his lips hold all the answers he’s ever needed, his warmth louder than anything he could possibly say. words seem momentarily insufficient. they bump useless against the walls of his brain and shift into raspy sounds on his tongue, and he’s never wanted to hold anyone as much as he wants to hold him now, to lose himself in his arms until he remembers who he is, who they are, and find himself anew.
it starts with a light shove against the door, lips sliding harder against his. everything he’s felt in the past month he wants to erase, replace, a violence in his heart he doesn’t know how to curb or unleash. he doesn’t want to hurt him, or even himself, really. he just wants to feel, raw and unshackled, cleanse himself whole and become alive again, with the only man who knows how to echo the confines of his heart. it’s the urge he follows as he kisses and bites his mouth and his throat, and he yanks, a tear in wei wuxian’s robes; despite the brusquerie of his movements, his touch remains reverend, his breath a husky hymn of interrupted syllables, only wei wuxian’s name. )
there’s an obvious chasm between them, where words collide with old and new pains. wei wuxian doesn’t answer his question, an answer on its own, like his kiss. maybe it’s why he seeks his mouth again once the door closes behind them. maybe it’s why he chases after the taste of him like his lips hold all the answers he’s ever needed, his warmth louder than anything he could possibly say. words seem momentarily insufficient. they bump useless against the walls of his brain and shift into raspy sounds on his tongue, and he’s never wanted to hold anyone as much as he wants to hold him now, to lose himself in his arms until he remembers who he is, who they are, and find himself anew.
it starts with a light shove against the door, lips sliding harder against his. everything he’s felt in the past month he wants to erase, replace, a violence in his heart he doesn’t know how to curb or unleash. he doesn’t want to hurt him, or even himself, really. he just wants to feel, raw and unshackled, cleanse himself whole and become alive again, with the only man who knows how to echo the confines of his heart. it’s the urge he follows as he kisses and bites his mouth and his throat, and he yanks, a tear in wei wuxian’s robes; despite the brusquerie of his movements, his touch remains reverend, his breath a husky hymn of interrupted syllables, only wei wuxian’s name. )
[they do the things that lovers do, and wei wuxian feels for him the way that only a true lover would feel. it's still not a clearly defined realization, just a feeling that he's increasingly aware of during both his sober moments and the moments when he starts feeling the alcohol's effects. but it's lan wangji who's the source of the warmth in his body. he's happiest when he's with him, he's at his most miserable when they're apart, and he can't touch himself without lan wangji's name on his lips. now he finds his quickest release while imagining that he's responsible for it.
they act like lovers now, with lan zhan pushing him against the door with a passion that might surprise most who know the young jade. he kisses him like he's quenching a thirst, licking into his mouth when wei wuxian yields to him. there's something under his skin, and it's a thing with teeth and claws, that leaves welcomed marks on his skin and tears apart the seams of his clothing, only to touch the skin that's revealed with the most loving of touches.
wei wuxian turns to catch his mouth one more time, his whispers coming between rough gasps.]
Lan Zhan, it's okay. I'm not going anywhere.
[he's his. for tonight, for tomorrow. for much longer than he ever planned on being when this is the last place he ever wanted to keep him. but it would truly be hell without him, and maybe lan wangji feels the same.
he pushes him towards the bed where he crawls into his lap, hands and mouth busy with his soulmate's urgency, his body a home for it. wei wuxian's kisses travel up the side of his face but finally pause against his temple.]
Lan Zhan, I...you...
they act like lovers now, with lan zhan pushing him against the door with a passion that might surprise most who know the young jade. he kisses him like he's quenching a thirst, licking into his mouth when wei wuxian yields to him. there's something under his skin, and it's a thing with teeth and claws, that leaves welcomed marks on his skin and tears apart the seams of his clothing, only to touch the skin that's revealed with the most loving of touches.
wei wuxian turns to catch his mouth one more time, his whispers coming between rough gasps.]
Lan Zhan, it's okay. I'm not going anywhere.
[he's his. for tonight, for tomorrow. for much longer than he ever planned on being when this is the last place he ever wanted to keep him. but it would truly be hell without him, and maybe lan wangji feels the same.
he pushes him towards the bed where he crawls into his lap, hands and mouth busy with his soulmate's urgency, his body a home for it. wei wuxian's kisses travel up the side of his face but finally pause against his temple.]
Lan Zhan, I...you...
( wei wuxian’s pause near his temple gives him pause. it’s a simple string of words in his ear, and lan wangji’s palms around his semi-bare waist glide to a halt, his voice forcing his eyes half-opened. lan zhan, i… you… there’s something there that needles through him, grips his heart and cuts his breath short, blood pounding in his throat. ) Wei Ying. ( wei ying, again, agonizingly soft, because what else is there to say when his name holds the entirety of lan wangji. the flames licking across his senses temporarily recede, and he noses at his face to catch his gaze, stilling once he does. it’s the beauty of him, maybe, or the vulnerability in-between, exposed together where uncertainty and strength collide, and wei wuxian should know. he never wanted to burden him before, and he still doesn’t, but if wei wuxian feels even just a fraction of what he does, perhaps it could free rather than strain, and remind him that he’ll never be alone again.
he can’t afford missed opportunities any longer, and with an innocence that clashes with the urgency of his needs, momentarily put on hold, his fingertips lightly touch his cheek, tender vehemence in his eyes. ) Wei Ying… Your sins are my sins. ( a conviction he already had when they both awakened here, made ten times stronger now. ) If you bleed, I bleed. ( his shield, his anchor, anything he needs him to be. he blinks slowly, heat creeping up his face as the corners of his eyes soften, mournful and awed all at once, only a hint of hesitation. ) And tonight I would see you laugh and gasp my name, until I no longer remember anything else.
he can’t afford missed opportunities any longer, and with an innocence that clashes with the urgency of his needs, momentarily put on hold, his fingertips lightly touch his cheek, tender vehemence in his eyes. ) Wei Ying… Your sins are my sins. ( a conviction he already had when they both awakened here, made ten times stronger now. ) If you bleed, I bleed. ( his shield, his anchor, anything he needs him to be. he blinks slowly, heat creeping up his face as the corners of his eyes soften, mournful and awed all at once, only a hint of hesitation. ) And tonight I would see you laugh and gasp my name, until I no longer remember anything else.
[your sins are my sins... wei wuxian closes his eyes at those words. but the tenderness in his chest makes it hard to breathe, much less speak. he can only shake his head and try to deny them...but to do that means denying him, lan wangji, and that's no longer a choice that he has.
he opens his eyes again, breath ricocheting in his lungs, trembling on his lips. he looks into the other man's, the vision of him blurry until the tear spills over his lower lashes and rolls down his cheek.]
Lan Zhan, you can do anything you want with me, from tonight on. [it's not a selfless offer. he's not making a trade of his gratitude for lan wangji's pleasure. it's so much more than that, coming together for wei wuxian one piece of the puzzle at a time.] The sin that this place would have me commit, I want to do it with you and only you. Then it becomes my redemption. Because I love you! And I want you. Lan Zhan, there's no one else for me. I like you so much, I know now that I didn't die because I fell from a high place. I died because I couldn't see you, even for a moment.
[he's rambling, and yet he feels like he could say it all a hundred times more. i want you. i love you. i'm yours.]
he opens his eyes again, breath ricocheting in his lungs, trembling on his lips. he looks into the other man's, the vision of him blurry until the tear spills over his lower lashes and rolls down his cheek.]
Lan Zhan, you can do anything you want with me, from tonight on. [it's not a selfless offer. he's not making a trade of his gratitude for lan wangji's pleasure. it's so much more than that, coming together for wei wuxian one piece of the puzzle at a time.] The sin that this place would have me commit, I want to do it with you and only you. Then it becomes my redemption. Because I love you! And I want you. Lan Zhan, there's no one else for me. I like you so much, I know now that I didn't die because I fell from a high place. I died because I couldn't see you, even for a moment.
[he's rambling, and yet he feels like he could say it all a hundred times more. i want you. i love you. i'm yours.]
( love. he knows love. brotherly love. family love. but wei wuxian is something else, the space between the beats of his heart, the ache in his blood, more tangible than life and yet too ethereal to be measured. because i love you, wei wuxian says, and lan wangji’s pulse falters and sputters and rises, every nerve in his body aflame with new awareness. he speaks of redemption, of sins that aren’t sins, and boy does he latch onto that, nonsense that makes sense, and lan wangji is beyond willing to pleasure him to salvation.
with a sharp exhale he squeezes him tighter, breathing his name hoarse and overwhelmed as he catches his tear on his tongue, his own cheeks wetter. his chest is a shambled mess, and he kisses his lips with new ferocity, fragments of his nightmares urging him to take and possess, protect, rolling them over to envelop him in his warmth, perched above him. he shakes his head then, gazing into his eyes, visible guilt in his own. ) You died because I let you. ( and tears flow freely, though it’s not enough to deter him, briefly pressing his forehead against his as he seeks his lips once more, lazy brushes of his mouth. ) I should have loved you better. ( his apology, and a smile twitches faint and forlorn against wei wuxian’s lips, fading as the kiss slowly deepens, lan wangji’s body undulating at the same languid tempo as his tongue around his. ) But I could not have loved you more. ( his promise, whispered between shuddering breaths. he makes quick work of his ribbon, pulled free before his hands slide feverish down wei wuxian’s body, tugging and yanking until only skin remains; untied hair pools around their faces, and lan wangji bites, bottom lip gently trapped between his teeth as he lets out a soft wanting moan. )
with a sharp exhale he squeezes him tighter, breathing his name hoarse and overwhelmed as he catches his tear on his tongue, his own cheeks wetter. his chest is a shambled mess, and he kisses his lips with new ferocity, fragments of his nightmares urging him to take and possess, protect, rolling them over to envelop him in his warmth, perched above him. he shakes his head then, gazing into his eyes, visible guilt in his own. ) You died because I let you. ( and tears flow freely, though it’s not enough to deter him, briefly pressing his forehead against his as he seeks his lips once more, lazy brushes of his mouth. ) I should have loved you better. ( his apology, and a smile twitches faint and forlorn against wei wuxian’s lips, fading as the kiss slowly deepens, lan wangji’s body undulating at the same languid tempo as his tongue around his. ) But I could not have loved you more. ( his promise, whispered between shuddering breaths. he makes quick work of his ribbon, pulled free before his hands slide feverish down wei wuxian’s body, tugging and yanking until only skin remains; untied hair pools around their faces, and lan wangji bites, bottom lip gently trapped between his teeth as he lets out a soft wanting moan. )
[lan wangji has always been so restrained. it's what the gusulan are known for, though he's seen it slip from time to time, glimpsed the ferocity of emotions that are held back by the thinnest of ribbons - always with him to blame for it. now he gives him another taste of it, literally, kissing him hungrily and swallowing up every sound that he makes. wei wuxian has been consumed before. he's felt resentful energy taking over his body and invading every part of him. he feels its opposite now, something pure and powerful in lan wangji's love. light bearer, capable of driving away all the darkness of both this place and his own cultivation.]
You can try tonight. Lan Zhan! I know that's not Bichen that I feel against me, it's too warm and thick.
[wei wuxian smiles cheekily up at him, with eyes still shiny from his tears. he doesn't want to see that guilt in his eyes anymore. he wants to see them light up with love and ecstasy and the reflection of his own face shining with the same. once the ribbon comes off, lan wangji is truly untethered, a force of nature contained in one man's body. there's nothing elegant about the way he strips him, raw in the noises he makes as he kisses him and makes his desires known. and wei wuxian writhes under his body, inviting more of it.
the boy doesn't know what he's asking for. the loss of his golden core has left his body weaker, but lan wangji's surges with a strength that's sure to overwhelm.]
You can try tonight. Lan Zhan! I know that's not Bichen that I feel against me, it's too warm and thick.
[wei wuxian smiles cheekily up at him, with eyes still shiny from his tears. he doesn't want to see that guilt in his eyes anymore. he wants to see them light up with love and ecstasy and the reflection of his own face shining with the same. once the ribbon comes off, lan wangji is truly untethered, a force of nature contained in one man's body. there's nothing elegant about the way he strips him, raw in the noises he makes as he kisses him and makes his desires known. and wei wuxian writhes under his body, inviting more of it.
the boy doesn't know what he's asking for. the loss of his golden core has left his body weaker, but lan wangji's surges with a strength that's sure to overwhelm.]
( he doesn’t have the heart to scold, a simple groan to counter wei wuxian’s shameless invitation, which he boldly takes. one roll of his hips, two, and wei wuxian’s cheeky mouth is what drives him as his cock slides against his, nibbling harder on his bottom lip as if to consume his smile and every sound he makes, coming back to life through him. he doesn’t stop kissing him as he blindly reaches for the drawer, rummaging for a small bottle of oil he’s seen there, fueling his dreams. he doesn’t stop grinding, even as he clumsily coats his fingers and drops the bottle, a rare show of impatience. and then he reaches down between them, gaze following, and the sight of their erections pressed together nearly drives him to completion.
a whimper rumbles in his chest, interrupted before he irrevocably embarrasses himself, a dissonant sigh instead. he momentarily stills, nuzzling wei wuxian’s neck to distract himself as he lazily caresses his inner thigh, fingers traveling up until one tip circles his entrance. it’s nothing innate, learned in books he shouldn’t have read, but it serves him here as he gently pushes in, slowly rubbing. he lifts his head to catch the changes on wei wuxian’s face, overeager as he starts moving again, his blood pounding everywhere. and it’s when he feels it. doesn’t. inside wei wuxian, nothing, nothing other than warmth and a tightness that makes his cock twitch in anticipation, but his heart lurches crooked, and lan wangji frowns drowsy. yin. abstractly, where his own essence radiates, wei wuxian’s glimmers dark. hollow. there’s no resonance, no matter how farther in he tries to rub, and his breath slows down against his mouth as he wills his own away, blinking down at him with a perplexed crease between his brows. ) ...Wei Ying? ( and his pulse hammers heavier and louder, a buzz in his ears that sends a sharp, icy shiver down his back. )
a whimper rumbles in his chest, interrupted before he irrevocably embarrasses himself, a dissonant sigh instead. he momentarily stills, nuzzling wei wuxian’s neck to distract himself as he lazily caresses his inner thigh, fingers traveling up until one tip circles his entrance. it’s nothing innate, learned in books he shouldn’t have read, but it serves him here as he gently pushes in, slowly rubbing. he lifts his head to catch the changes on wei wuxian’s face, overeager as he starts moving again, his blood pounding everywhere. and it’s when he feels it. doesn’t. inside wei wuxian, nothing, nothing other than warmth and a tightness that makes his cock twitch in anticipation, but his heart lurches crooked, and lan wangji frowns drowsy. yin. abstractly, where his own essence radiates, wei wuxian’s glimmers dark. hollow. there’s no resonance, no matter how farther in he tries to rub, and his breath slows down against his mouth as he wills his own away, blinking down at him with a perplexed crease between his brows. ) ...Wei Ying? ( and his pulse hammers heavier and louder, a buzz in his ears that sends a sharp, icy shiver down his back. )
[it seems that the days of him being scolded are at their end, that simple groan eliciting wei wuxian's laughter. but one happy sound morphs into another when lan wangji rolls his hips and suddenly there's friction between them. there's a flush of color rising on his cheeks, not unlike the blush of too much alcohol. this is its own form of intoxication, and another which wei wuxian could quickly come to rely on.
he follows lan zhan's every movement, both amazed and curious about how he just knows. the answer hits him as he watches him coating his fingers, and the necromancer laughs again.]
Lan Zhan, so it wasn't just Buddhist scriptures that you were studying all that time in the library after all. And not only did you tear mine up, you didn't even share yours!
[he pouts when he thinks about how much he could've learned about what Lan Wangji likes and dislikes. but maybe he should just shut up and be grateful for the knowledge that his lover does have, the touch that teases a shiver out of him, followed by the careful attention that helps open him up. wei wuxian would be the wickedest in anyone's mind, and now he's embarrassed to admit that he was just expecting to being able to take him, barely knowing about these preparations.
he moans his name, eyelids heavier as he arches gently against the bed. it already feels good; lan wangji already makes him feel good, and he pushes his hips down for a little more of the feeling, stretched tightly just above his knuckle. his kisses relax along with the rest of him, pressing his lips against the softness of lan wangji's mouth, then parting to offer a deeper kiss.]
Lan Zhan...
[he sighs and seeks to wind his arms around him, but then he sees the question in his eyes. it takes a moment longer for him to realize, and he stiffens slightly even after he's loosened up. wei wuxian looks into his eyes, swallowing hard before he tries to speak.]
Lan Zhan, it's okay. Don't worry, just do it all the way.
he follows lan zhan's every movement, both amazed and curious about how he just knows. the answer hits him as he watches him coating his fingers, and the necromancer laughs again.]
Lan Zhan, so it wasn't just Buddhist scriptures that you were studying all that time in the library after all. And not only did you tear mine up, you didn't even share yours!
[he pouts when he thinks about how much he could've learned about what Lan Wangji likes and dislikes. but maybe he should just shut up and be grateful for the knowledge that his lover does have, the touch that teases a shiver out of him, followed by the careful attention that helps open him up. wei wuxian would be the wickedest in anyone's mind, and now he's embarrassed to admit that he was just expecting to being able to take him, barely knowing about these preparations.
he moans his name, eyelids heavier as he arches gently against the bed. it already feels good; lan wangji already makes him feel good, and he pushes his hips down for a little more of the feeling, stretched tightly just above his knuckle. his kisses relax along with the rest of him, pressing his lips against the softness of lan wangji's mouth, then parting to offer a deeper kiss.]
Lan Zhan...
[he sighs and seeks to wind his arms around him, but then he sees the question in his eyes. it takes a moment longer for him to realize, and he stiffens slightly even after he's loosened up. wei wuxian looks into his eyes, swallowing hard before he tries to speak.]
Lan Zhan, it's okay. Don't worry, just do it all the way.
( he had none to share at the time!! just like wei wuxian definitely had a golden core back then, and asking lan wangji not to worry is like asking him not to breathe. which he kind of does, lungs iced over, wei wuxian's quick dismissal a throbbing growth where his heart seemingly suffocates. )
Wei Ying.
( he straightens up, poised on the heels of his feet between his thighs as his gaze swivels distressed and confused from his eyes to his arousal, and up again, slowly withdrawing his finger. this isn't right. very few things could have caused this, and the way wei wuxian stiffens speaks volumes. his face hardens. it's a thousand images flashing in his mind, blurry when he searches wei wuxian's gaze, and lightly he places his hands on each side of his groin, as if to transfer his warmth there, cocooning an impossible void. his lips part on an inaudible breath, bracing himself. ) How? ( and when. )
Wei Ying.
( he straightens up, poised on the heels of his feet between his thighs as his gaze swivels distressed and confused from his eyes to his arousal, and up again, slowly withdrawing his finger. this isn't right. very few things could have caused this, and the way wei wuxian stiffens speaks volumes. his face hardens. it's a thousand images flashing in his mind, blurry when he searches wei wuxian's gaze, and lightly he places his hands on each side of his groin, as if to transfer his warmth there, cocooning an impossible void. his lips part on an inaudible breath, bracing himself. ) How? ( and when. )
[he should've known that it wouldn't be brushed over so easily, shouldn't have expected lan wangji's reaction to be anything but what it is. even in the heat of the moment, there's concern. care. it is a huge thing that has happened to him, and in his actions lan wangji is refusing to let it be treated as anything less.
wei wuxian sighs and pushes himself up onto his elbows.]
It was my choice. Wen Zhuliu melted Jiang Cheng's. [he reaches forward after a moment, sliding his fingers through lan wangji's dark hair.] Lan Zhan, it doesn't bear thinking about. I made my own way. Come back to bed, kiss me again. That makes me feel complete even without a golden core.
wei wuxian sighs and pushes himself up onto his elbows.]
It was my choice. Wen Zhuliu melted Jiang Cheng's. [he reaches forward after a moment, sliding his fingers through lan wangji's dark hair.] Lan Zhan, it doesn't bear thinking about. I made my own way. Come back to bed, kiss me again. That makes me feel complete even without a golden core.
( his mouth hangs open, mirroring the shock in his eyes, wide, brows angled high and furrowed. his choice. his choice to let himself be scorned and despised. his choice to be made an outcast, to ache in silence and to give a thousand times more than he was ever granted. his choice to sacrifice himself for a man who might as well have sent him here, ill wishes and a twist of his blade, wei wuxian's demise. his choice to leave suibian behind, and create a life tainted in death. lan wangji's fingers dig into wei wuxian's hips, gaze watery as his jaw clenches on an onslaught of different pains he can't name. grief. sorrow. regret. anger. if only he'd known. but wei wuxian always bore his burdens alone, and something cracks in lan wangji's chest, snaps, fissured in past and recent torture.
wei wuxian pleads for a kiss and lan wangji crashes against him, swift and fiery again, a note of urgency in his throat. his lips move full and merciless against his, licking deep into his mouth as he guides himself to wei wuxian's opening, nudging there with the blunt tip of his shaft, thickening fast. ) Never again will anyone hurt you. ( unyielding. vehement. like the sweeps of his tongue and the pressure of his teeth, and he pushes inside him and he catches his breath in his own lungs, swallowing him, a broken moan to answer his. it's hardly gentle. it's possessive, pounding hard as he pants into his mouth, but soft fingertips across the sides of his head remind of his deep affection, a determination to create with him something more than carnal pleasure; already his essence seeps through the sharp thrusts of his lower body, budding heat in his belly as he dives in and out of him, trembling anew. he fists his hair, groans as wei wuxian tightens around him, nerves tingling everywhere; he gasps with every touch of his lips across his, pouring himself whole into the rhythm. ) Take all of me. ( and he'll be damned if wei wuxian doesn't eventually regain what should never have been lost. )
wei wuxian pleads for a kiss and lan wangji crashes against him, swift and fiery again, a note of urgency in his throat. his lips move full and merciless against his, licking deep into his mouth as he guides himself to wei wuxian's opening, nudging there with the blunt tip of his shaft, thickening fast. ) Never again will anyone hurt you. ( unyielding. vehement. like the sweeps of his tongue and the pressure of his teeth, and he pushes inside him and he catches his breath in his own lungs, swallowing him, a broken moan to answer his. it's hardly gentle. it's possessive, pounding hard as he pants into his mouth, but soft fingertips across the sides of his head remind of his deep affection, a determination to create with him something more than carnal pleasure; already his essence seeps through the sharp thrusts of his lower body, budding heat in his belly as he dives in and out of him, trembling anew. he fists his hair, groans as wei wuxian tightens around him, nerves tingling everywhere; he gasps with every touch of his lips across his, pouring himself whole into the rhythm. ) Take all of me. ( and he'll be damned if wei wuxian doesn't eventually regain what should never have been lost. )
[wei wuxian's heart has never ached for himself. never once has he regretted or even wondered. but seeing those emotions on his face, the open pain and sadness and anger, it's almost more than his fractured heart can take. lan wangji seems to drown right in front of him as a watery veil falls between them.
when he returns to him, he's all action and fury, leaving him dizzy and breathless from his kisses alone. wei wuxian cries out for real when he enters him, but it's the words that cause his tear to spill. a promise that he knows lan wangji will keep or be damned. he tips his head back, leaving the pale column of his throat to be ravaged while he tries to get enough oxygen into his lungs. but it's going to be a neverending battle if he can't stop chanting his name long enough to actually breathe.]
Lan Zhan...Lan Zhan...
[his thighs tremble around lan wangji's hips. it's a pleasure that borders on punishment, his hole stretched tight around him, sure to be too swollen to leak a single drop once lan wangji is done with him. even so, learning his body will be a lot quicker than learning his heart. he can't be quiet, each thrust punching out whimpers and moans, a tune for his ears only. his own erection swells between them, already leaking from the tip.
even without lan wangji's words, his actions make it clear: he cannot put a young master in him, but he's going to try to create a new golden core. and he is relentless in his pleasure, wei wuxian's skin already stinging from how he smacks into him.]
Lan Zhan, easy. Have some mercy on me, it's my first...first...
[wei wuxian's gasps become moans. and even in his overwhelmed state, his legs open wider to ask for more.]
when he returns to him, he's all action and fury, leaving him dizzy and breathless from his kisses alone. wei wuxian cries out for real when he enters him, but it's the words that cause his tear to spill. a promise that he knows lan wangji will keep or be damned. he tips his head back, leaving the pale column of his throat to be ravaged while he tries to get enough oxygen into his lungs. but it's going to be a neverending battle if he can't stop chanting his name long enough to actually breathe.]
Lan Zhan...Lan Zhan...
[his thighs tremble around lan wangji's hips. it's a pleasure that borders on punishment, his hole stretched tight around him, sure to be too swollen to leak a single drop once lan wangji is done with him. even so, learning his body will be a lot quicker than learning his heart. he can't be quiet, each thrust punching out whimpers and moans, a tune for his ears only. his own erection swells between them, already leaking from the tip.
even without lan wangji's words, his actions make it clear: he cannot put a young master in him, but he's going to try to create a new golden core. and he is relentless in his pleasure, wei wuxian's skin already stinging from how he smacks into him.]
Lan Zhan, easy. Have some mercy on me, it's my first...first...
[wei wuxian's gasps become moans. and even in his overwhelmed state, his legs open wider to ask for more.]
( wei wuxian is loud, every sound as blissful as he dreamed, effectively deafening the remnants of his nightmares. the bed squeaks. it’s a cacophony of hoarse and broken noises, and skin slaps against skin in steady motions, wei ying and lan zhan rising needy in the midst of shared sighs. lan wangji only relents because wei wuxian asks, though the lazier rolls of his hips are a little misleading; everywhere else, he burns, suckling on his adam’s apple and pressing close where wei wuxian’s cock oozes precum, helping him rub himself. his eyes still sting. his chest, too, overloaded, and he watches intently, abrupt thrusts mixed with sluggish ones, guided by wei wuxian’s pleasure twisting his face. it’s my first, he whimpers, and lan wangji whimpers in turn, no longer bashful, nose against nose as he rests his forehead against his. ) And you are my last.
( he surges between his thighs, slower but thorough, a light film of sweat coating his skin. he moves easy against him, his breath labored, his eyes half-lidded, and he groans his name again, wei ying, swelling thicker inside him, crown brushing against a particularly squishy spot. ) Between us, no more concealment. ( his lashes flutter as his own pleasure increases, hissing low as he feels wei wuxian tightening around him. ) No shame. ( he jerks up, languid circles as he slowly withdraws and slides back in, inhaling sharp as he catches his mouth again. ) No restraint. ( and he kisses him longer, deeper, coaxing one of his legs around his waist as he follows his body’s cadence, one hand cupping one side of his head. )
( he surges between his thighs, slower but thorough, a light film of sweat coating his skin. he moves easy against him, his breath labored, his eyes half-lidded, and he groans his name again, wei ying, swelling thicker inside him, crown brushing against a particularly squishy spot. ) Between us, no more concealment. ( his lashes flutter as his own pleasure increases, hissing low as he feels wei wuxian tightening around him. ) No shame. ( he jerks up, languid circles as he slowly withdraws and slides back in, inhaling sharp as he catches his mouth again. ) No restraint. ( and he kisses him longer, deeper, coaxing one of his legs around his waist as he follows his body’s cadence, one hand cupping one side of his head. )
[he can finally breathe again, the burning between his legs less an endless pounding and more strokes that fill him and retreat with a steady, powerful rhythm. every time lan zhan strikes a certain spot, his legs tremble, and the sweat from the insides of his thighs rolls down to sting his worked-open rim.
and you are my last. wei wuxian exhales heaviest at those words, opening his eyes to watch him. the beautiful way his body coils and moves, the way his eyebrows pinch in pleasure and concentration. he's struck by the knowledge that lan wangji is also his last. it's him, and it can only be him.
every time he tries to speak, even to agree, lan wangji thrusts and it turns into another strangled cry. hanguang-jun is a combination of powerful and not small, and tonight he's making up for all the times that wei wuxian was surely a handful for him in one way or another. in an odd role reversal, it's lan wangji who speaks, and wei wuxian who confirms with syllables and sounds, nodding his head to show that he agrees lest lan wangji start riding him roughly again. no more secrets, no shame, no...restraint? wei wuxian moans, eyes closing again as he bucks his hips, more and more white leaking from the tip of his erection. his insides clamp down around him, concerned about how much more he can take, but also never wanting to let him go. he's so close to the edge, but it feels like lan zhan could keep going for hours. he can just imagine him pulling out to put him in a new position, long after wei wuxian has exhausted all energy.
it's terrifying...only not really. because it's that exact thought that makes him draw tight for a shuddering release, untouched but not silent.]
and you are my last. wei wuxian exhales heaviest at those words, opening his eyes to watch him. the beautiful way his body coils and moves, the way his eyebrows pinch in pleasure and concentration. he's struck by the knowledge that lan wangji is also his last. it's him, and it can only be him.
every time he tries to speak, even to agree, lan wangji thrusts and it turns into another strangled cry. hanguang-jun is a combination of powerful and not small, and tonight he's making up for all the times that wei wuxian was surely a handful for him in one way or another. in an odd role reversal, it's lan wangji who speaks, and wei wuxian who confirms with syllables and sounds, nodding his head to show that he agrees lest lan wangji start riding him roughly again. no more secrets, no shame, no...restraint? wei wuxian moans, eyes closing again as he bucks his hips, more and more white leaking from the tip of his erection. his insides clamp down around him, concerned about how much more he can take, but also never wanting to let him go. he's so close to the edge, but it feels like lan zhan could keep going for hours. he can just imagine him pulling out to put him in a new position, long after wei wuxian has exhausted all energy.
it's terrifying...only not really. because it's that exact thought that makes him draw tight for a shuddering release, untouched but not silent.]
( he could go on. for a while. not without sustained efforts, because every sound wei wuxian makes and every answering shift of his body takes him dangerously closer to the edge. physically, he’s never known anything like this. as transcending as meditation can be, it lacks the raw, primal aspect of carnal need and it’s so very human but it’s so blissfully perfect. he’s always been taught to take great care of his body, as he does his mind; he’d just never realized it could serve differently, the physical manifestation of his pains and his joys, so powerful he forgets where he ends and where wei wuxian begins.
ultimately, it’s the sheer elation on his face that drives him where wei wuxian shudders, and he convulses with him and he doesn’t stop, watching him come and barely acknowledging his own orgasm, for how entranced he is by him. his vision darkens for one moment, though he never averts his gaze, gasping with him, tasting his moans. he knew a golden core wouldn’t magically grow so suddenly, though he can’t help the pang of melancholy that constricts his chest as he gently rolls off of him, slowly withdrawing, only to pepper lingering kisses across his face as he settles on his side and curls protective around him. )
Wei Ying. ( as relieved and dumbfounded as lan wangji is that wei wuxian somehow returns his feelings, it’s the kind of euphoria he can’t fully revel in, not after what he just went through, punctuated by what he’s just learned. wei wuxian’s love is selfless, barely anything left for himself, and lan wangji tenderly nuzzles his temple, arms secured tighter around him. beyond his own adoration, there’s something else wei wuxian should be told, soft but adamant: ) You matter. ( and if no one ever hurts him again, lan wangji won’t let him hurt himself, either. )
ultimately, it’s the sheer elation on his face that drives him where wei wuxian shudders, and he convulses with him and he doesn’t stop, watching him come and barely acknowledging his own orgasm, for how entranced he is by him. his vision darkens for one moment, though he never averts his gaze, gasping with him, tasting his moans. he knew a golden core wouldn’t magically grow so suddenly, though he can’t help the pang of melancholy that constricts his chest as he gently rolls off of him, slowly withdrawing, only to pepper lingering kisses across his face as he settles on his side and curls protective around him. )
Wei Ying. ( as relieved and dumbfounded as lan wangji is that wei wuxian somehow returns his feelings, it’s the kind of euphoria he can’t fully revel in, not after what he just went through, punctuated by what he’s just learned. wei wuxian’s love is selfless, barely anything left for himself, and lan wangji tenderly nuzzles his temple, arms secured tighter around him. beyond his own adoration, there’s something else wei wuxian should be told, soft but adamant: ) You matter. ( and if no one ever hurts him again, lan wangji won’t let him hurt himself, either. )
[the warmth that he's felt trickling over his lips and sticky on his fingers in the past, it fills him up now. and wei wuxian clenches around him, greedy for every drop and wanting to keep some part of lan wangji inside of him at all times. but they've shared their release, and he relaxes then, toes uncurling and limbs growing heavy on the mattress. wei wuxian hums as he returns those kisses, but most of him is still blissfully floating somewhere above his own body.
wei ying. he grunts softly at the sound of his name, turning his head a moment later to offer lan wangji a sated and adoring smile. but his lips stop mid-curve, and it's almost impossible to stop wei wuxian's smile, but those two simple words do it. lan wangji holds him like he'll never let him go, and he blinks once, twice, before he turns his head once more to look away.
he doesn't understand his oncoming tears. he can't pinpoint what has caused them to spring to his eyes now of all times, a much happier moment than a great many of his life. maybe it's because he didn't cry when he needed to. maybe it's because there was no one there to comfort him during so many of those moments. but they won't be denied now, even wrenching out a choked sob before he can throw his forearm across his eyes.]
Lan Zhan...
wei ying. he grunts softly at the sound of his name, turning his head a moment later to offer lan wangji a sated and adoring smile. but his lips stop mid-curve, and it's almost impossible to stop wei wuxian's smile, but those two simple words do it. lan wangji holds him like he'll never let him go, and he blinks once, twice, before he turns his head once more to look away.
he doesn't understand his oncoming tears. he can't pinpoint what has caused them to spring to his eyes now of all times, a much happier moment than a great many of his life. maybe it's because he didn't cry when he needed to. maybe it's because there was no one there to comfort him during so many of those moments. but they won't be denied now, even wrenching out a choked sob before he can throw his forearm across his eyes.]
Lan Zhan...
Wei Ying…!
( and what else can he do, but hug him tighter. what else can he do but shed some tears of his own as wei wuxian quivers in his arms, silently reminding him that he isn’t going anywhere this time. should he fall, he’ll fall with him, but before that, he’ll do everything in his power to prevent another tragedy. wei wuxian’s smile is a light that should never wane, and lan wangji brands himself its keeper, nose pressed to his temple as waves after waves of repression and neglect crash over them.
it subsides, gradually, and lan wangji feels out of breath again, for different reasons. ) I should have told you sooner. ( years ago, before wei wuxian reached a point of no return. because he did always matter, and it’s the greatest regret of his life, to have been unable to extend the hand he needed before he dangled from its grasp. let me help, he asked then, but he understands now more than ever that the support he offered couldn’t align with wei wuxian’s fate. miscommunication isn’t affordable anymore, and he quietly sighs in his ear, lightly nuzzling there. ) I will cultivate with you, if you wish. ( he does mean that, to help him grow another core, to cleanse, start anew. ) But your path remains your own. ( because he doesn’t want to choose for him, only there for the ride. )
( and what else can he do, but hug him tighter. what else can he do but shed some tears of his own as wei wuxian quivers in his arms, silently reminding him that he isn’t going anywhere this time. should he fall, he’ll fall with him, but before that, he’ll do everything in his power to prevent another tragedy. wei wuxian’s smile is a light that should never wane, and lan wangji brands himself its keeper, nose pressed to his temple as waves after waves of repression and neglect crash over them.
it subsides, gradually, and lan wangji feels out of breath again, for different reasons. ) I should have told you sooner. ( years ago, before wei wuxian reached a point of no return. because he did always matter, and it’s the greatest regret of his life, to have been unable to extend the hand he needed before he dangled from its grasp. let me help, he asked then, but he understands now more than ever that the support he offered couldn’t align with wei wuxian’s fate. miscommunication isn’t affordable anymore, and he quietly sighs in his ear, lightly nuzzling there. ) I will cultivate with you, if you wish. ( he does mean that, to help him grow another core, to cleanse, start anew. ) But your path remains your own. ( because he doesn’t want to choose for him, only there for the ride. )
[he feels guilty that lan wangji has to see him like this, when he was always one of the few people who even tried to help. but maybe that way of thinking is wrong. maybe that's exactly why wei wuxian should show him this side of him, the exhaustion and the hurt that he's kept bottled up. wasn't he the one who used to say that they should share everything? logically he knows that between soulmates it shouldn't be one-sided, but he just got used to hiding his own hardships away.
until now, with lan wangji practically cracking open his chest to make a home for himself inside, simultaneously soothing his heart and releasing the ghosts of so much pain. wei wuxian's sobs become laughter at his words, but it's not madness this time. he turns in his arms, tear tracks on his cheeks but a smile on his lips, the embodiment of wei wuxian. he cups the other man's face before pressing a kiss firmly to his forehead, right where his ribbon would be. a second is delivered to his lips, softer but less chaste before he sighs.]
Lan Zhan, our path lies together.
[he's not alone; he never really was, and now he can hear lan wangji's voice even above the screams.]
If you'll really have me.
until now, with lan wangji practically cracking open his chest to make a home for himself inside, simultaneously soothing his heart and releasing the ghosts of so much pain. wei wuxian's sobs become laughter at his words, but it's not madness this time. he turns in his arms, tear tracks on his cheeks but a smile on his lips, the embodiment of wei wuxian. he cups the other man's face before pressing a kiss firmly to his forehead, right where his ribbon would be. a second is delivered to his lips, softer but less chaste before he sighs.]
Lan Zhan, our path lies together.
[he's not alone; he never really was, and now he can hear lan wangji's voice even above the screams.]
If you'll really have me.
( his eyes drift close at the touch of wei wuxian’s lips, curled upward again, their shape a permanent warmth in his chest. no ribbon should separate them. wei wuxian’s tears, his grief, his despair… they’re the very reason why restraint isn’t an option, and no matter how strenuous at times, lan wangji will never again hesitate to explore his untamed heart, an echo of wei wuxian’s, which he trusts with his life.
a sigh shared, lan wangji gently sneaks one leg between his, arm around his waist and hand slowly running up and down his spine. it’s a shame to be finally reunited with him in such a wretched place, but home isn’t somewhere. it’s someone, just like love isn’t something, and fingers roam higher, around his nape, where they idly play with his hair, his gaze nothing short of enamored. ) A choice you made for me the moment you crossed the threshold of Cloud Recesses. ( a rare hint of humor but a truth nonetheless, because even back then, wei wuxian was a fascination, and before he left, lan wangji had to learn how to cope with the terrifying realization that he no longer knew how to live without his presence. so yes, he’ll have him. beyond death. )
a sigh shared, lan wangji gently sneaks one leg between his, arm around his waist and hand slowly running up and down his spine. it’s a shame to be finally reunited with him in such a wretched place, but home isn’t somewhere. it’s someone, just like love isn’t something, and fingers roam higher, around his nape, where they idly play with his hair, his gaze nothing short of enamored. ) A choice you made for me the moment you crossed the threshold of Cloud Recesses. ( a rare hint of humor but a truth nonetheless, because even back then, wei wuxian was a fascination, and before he left, lan wangji had to learn how to cope with the terrifying realization that he no longer knew how to live without his presence. so yes, he’ll have him. beyond death. )
Edited 2020-09-05 17:24 (UTC)
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