['the hellish abyss'? yeah, that's a pit filled with resentful energy if he ever heard of one.]
I spent three months in a cursed place. You grew up in one for years, with no one to fight for you and your sister. With people just willing to give you to it.
[how many men lived in her village? mothers? her own father. just letting this happen, the same way all the good men of his world watched women and children being murdered because that somehow cleansed the evil in the world. wei wuxian swallows hard before shaking his head to clear it.]
I died the way you came back. I was angry and twisted and hurt. I wanted revenge on all of them. All that power, it eats away at you. It corrupts.
[She’s quiet for a moment, not sure how to feel about any of it. His anger feels... good, in a way. No one had ever been angry over what they were supposed to do, except for Yae.]
...I grew up knowing. The ritual is always done with twins, and there was another pair. We thought, maybe... it wouldn’t have to be us, but...I knew. I was the one who’d have to die. That’s why... no one bothered much with me. It was always Yae. Yae who was supposed to the ‘Remaining.’
People don’t waste time loving the cattle they’re to slaughter either. [She’d used the comparison with Xichen before and he’d been horrified, but it was the only thing she could reasonably compare it to.]
I...wanted to do it. The other twins’ ritual failed, so we were to be next. Yae wanted to run way, and I... wanted whatever Yae wanted. But deep down, I... She was supposed to kill me. That’s how it works. The elder twin kills the younger. I wanted her to kill me.
[She blinks and shudders, touching at her throat again with her free hand. That wasn’t the mark she was supposed to have.] She was going to kill me, and I’d become a butterfly and protect the village. That’s how... it was supposed to go. But we ran, and I... fell. They captured me. I... I thought for sure, Yae would be back. She’d have to come back. She’d do the ritual with me and we’d be together and...
[Sae’s brow furrows and her shoulders hunch a little.] ...She never showed up. So I...died alone. I never saw Yae again.
[he's angrier about it than he can show, because he can tell that a part of sae is still attached to that life, wishes that things had gone the way they were "supposed" to. before he thought that she was sheltered and denied so many things, and he wanted her to live because of that. now that feeling is stronger than ever. sae's life here will be a happy one. it has to be.]
People aren't cattle.
[it's out before he can stop it, the words sharp. wei wuxian clenches his jaw to silence himself, not wanting to discourage her from speaking until she's finished.]
What do you think would have happened to Yae if she'd done it?
[Xichen had said much the same thing, though he didn’t know any of the details beyond a basic idea that Sae was a priestess in relative seclusion for her village.] ...People aren’t cattle... [She echoes him softly in agreement, nodding with a faint amusement.
The question makes her pause, though, since clearly she hadn’t really thought about it before.] Oh. Um... Hm... [Sae looks down at the table, considering.]
...Normally, the Remaining—the surviving twins—go one of three ways. The Remaining are considered like... Living deities left behind on earth, to guard the village and the human world. Some are able to live their lives normally, I guess. That’s what our father did— He was a Remaining too. He got married and had us and was an important figure in the village.
Some... just go insane. They’re locked in the storehouse for the rest of their lives, usually.
And some— [She cuts herself off suddenly, squeezing his hand tightly, her expression looking guilty. For a moment she doesn’t say anything before she speaks quietly.] Itsuki... was the Remaining from the ritual before ours’. The one that failed. He killed his brother, but it didn’t work. He loved Mutsuki too much... [She trails off and shakes her head.] His hair turned white and he tried to help us escape. But in the end, he... he killed himself. I found the body. Some go that way...
[If they’d simply stayed, if they’d done the ritual, then maybe Itsuki wouldn’t have... She shakes her head again.]
I think, if Yae had done it...I think our ritual would have worked. And I think... Maybe her and Itsuki might have gotten married. The two of them probably would have worked to abolish the ritual entirely, find a way to seal the abyss permanently...
[Sae is quiet for a moment, jealous Though she can’t say which of them she’s jealous of.] My father once told Yae that Remaining like them had to live for the sake of the village. I think Yae maybe would’ve taken that to heart in some way. She thought the ritual was terrible. [Sae’s tone suggests she doesn’t quite see it that way, but she still respects and bows to her sister’s decision on it anyhow.]
[he looks up when she squeezes his hand, listening extra closely to the parts of her story that follow. drawing conclusions that make him hurt for her even more. something to ask more about later, maybe.]
But you can't be sure. And even if it had worked, do you think she would've ever been happy again?
[he doesn't. he doesn't come right out and say as much, but the suggestion of it is probably there anyway.]
The ritual meant killing someone that she loved with her own hands. Maybe she would've lived on and gotten married, maybe she would've gone insane, but a part of her would've died with you. She might've come to hate the village and everyone in it. Maybe she would've found a way to unleash that power instead of you.
[there's no way of knowing any of this. there's only one part of it that he's sure of.]
Watching your sister die...the pain from it is worse than dying yourself.
[Sae winces a little, quickly shaking her head.] No! No, that’s— [She doesn’t truly know though, does she? Yae didn’t die but she had still lost her, and that pain was carried with her ever since.
But that was only because it wasn’t supposed to be this way. Because it hadn’t been done the right away. Right? She chews on her bottom lip, looking conflicted and uneasy.] But if it had been done the right way, she wouldn’t have become ‘less.’ if she’d killed me, my soul would join with hers’, in a way. We’d be together forever—truly. Not even... Not even the passage of time could change that.
But if we’d grown up, we would’ve grown apart... But with the ritual, we would’ve become one. She wouldn’t be alone, I’d be right there with her! [her voice has raised as she spoke, slightly tinged with hysteria, her breathing hard. She seems to realize how frantic she’d become however, because she flinches and shrinks in on herself, looking confused and a little sullen.]
...It... Things just got worse because we ran... [her voice sounds small, but she’s not even sure what she’s arguing for here. 17 years of never having to question this before was knocking up painfully with outsiders’ perspectives and she wasn’t quite sure what to do with it besides get defensive. It was all she’d known, after all. If they’d managed to fully escape, everyone likely would have died anyhow when the Abyss rebelled.] What else were we supposed to do...?
[he gives her hand a squeeze when she starts getting frantic, and reaches his free hand out to slide down her hair.]
It's okay. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you.
[wei wuxian can see how she struggles, and a lifetime of believing a certain way simply can't be changed in a matter of days or weeks. and honestly, even he doesn't have a clear answer for her question, because they should never have been faced with such cruel choices in the first place.]
I think your sister followed what her heart told her to do. And so did you, because you loved her so much. Sometimes the result of that is painful. But you did the best you could, with almost no one to help you, and neither of you are to blame. Even if you don't believe that now, I hope you'll still remember it. I hope you can live on with no regrets.
[She swallows hard before she gets up to move around the table, throwing her arms around him tightly. Her heart pounded in her chest, her head ached, the wound on her throat throbbed. She didn’t know if it was better or worse to not have an answer and to not have a direction to be pointed in.
Now, suddenly, she had all sorts of doors open to her and still her feet felt paralyzed to the spot with indecision.] I’m sorry... [Sae didn’t know what else to do but apologize. She’d started this conversation wanting to commiserate, and instead she feels like, somehow, she’s failed him.]
[wei wuxian's breath catches in a soft gasp when she hugs him. his eyes start to water immediately, because he can feel how tight it is. her sincerity, her own strength. very few have ever apologized for what happened to him. he never expected it. but it feels good to hear anyway, and he has to remind himself to be a little careful when he hugs her in return.]
I'm sorry this happened to us too. [a whispered voice. in the end, the perfect thing to say comes from her lips, and she's so far from having failed him. he smiles, even though his eyes are still damp.] But I promise to watch out for you from now on. Because I want you here, and I also don't want Yae mad at me.
It’s not right. [She murmurs. It’s not right that he died, and its’ not right that she wasn’t killed in the ‘proper’ way.] And it’s not fair.
[But she laughs a little at the mention of Yae getting mad at him and lifts her face to press a shy kiss to his cheek.] You could never disappoint me. I’ll watch out for you too. I don’t...I don’t have any of my abilities anymore form home, but I... I’ll do my best too.
After all, I’m sure Wangji-nii is even scarier than Yae if he gets mad.
[lan wangji would take a limb off of anyone who tried it. but not wanting to upset her is an incentive all its own. wei wuxian keeps his arms around her, keeps her on his side of the table.]
Lan Zhan is really something when he's angry. [that impish smile crosses his lips. he doesn't think that she ever has anything to fear from his husband-to-be.] He really must look scary, but all I can think is how proud I am. Lan Zhan only gets angry for good reasons. He's not petty.
[The entire second episode where he get real petty pass-agg at Jiang Cheng has something to say about that, Wei Wuxian. Alas, love truly is blind...
Se leans against him, using him like a prop to keep her up] He seems really strong. He played his instrument for me once. It’s sort of like the koto— I should play for you sometime. I learned how to play that. [one of the more acceptable feminine pursuits she was allowed to learn alongside Yae.]
Mm, though, I guess we’d have to find a koto first...
I really want to hear you play. We'll look for one tomorrow, or find someone to make one.
[it might be a little harder than poking a few holes in a piece of bamboo, but still. it they can manage it, and she's comfortable enough, maybe she can play at the wedding.]
I'm lucky to have two people who can play me a lullaby when I can't sleep.
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no subject
['the hellish abyss'? yeah, that's a pit filled with resentful energy if he ever heard of one.]
I spent three months in a cursed place. You grew up in one for years, with no one to fight for you and your sister. With people just willing to give you to it.
[how many men lived in her village? mothers? her own father. just letting this happen, the same way all the good men of his world watched women and children being murdered because that somehow cleansed the evil in the world. wei wuxian swallows hard before shaking his head to clear it.]
I died the way you came back. I was angry and twisted and hurt. I wanted revenge on all of them. All that power, it eats away at you. It corrupts.
no subject
...I grew up knowing. The ritual is always done with twins, and there was another pair. We thought, maybe... it wouldn’t have to be us, but...I knew. I was the one who’d have to die. That’s why... no one bothered much with me. It was always Yae. Yae who was supposed to the ‘Remaining.’
People don’t waste time loving the cattle they’re to slaughter either. [She’d used the comparison with Xichen before and he’d been horrified, but it was the only thing she could reasonably compare it to.]
I...wanted to do it. The other twins’ ritual failed, so we were to be next. Yae wanted to run way, and I... wanted whatever Yae wanted. But deep down, I... She was supposed to kill me. That’s how it works. The elder twin kills the younger. I wanted her to kill me.
[She blinks and shudders, touching at her throat again with her free hand. That wasn’t the mark she was supposed to have.] She was going to kill me, and I’d become a butterfly and protect the village. That’s how... it was supposed to go. But we ran, and I... fell. They captured me. I... I thought for sure, Yae would be back. She’d have to come back. She’d do the ritual with me and we’d be together and...
[Sae’s brow furrows and her shoulders hunch a little.] ...She never showed up. So I...died alone. I never saw Yae again.
no subject
People aren't cattle.
[it's out before he can stop it, the words sharp. wei wuxian clenches his jaw to silence himself, not wanting to discourage her from speaking until she's finished.]
What do you think would have happened to Yae if she'd done it?
no subject
The question makes her pause, though, since clearly she hadn’t really thought about it before.] Oh. Um... Hm... [Sae looks down at the table, considering.]
...Normally, the Remaining—the surviving twins—go one of three ways. The Remaining are considered like... Living deities left behind on earth, to guard the village and the human world. Some are able to live their lives normally, I guess. That’s what our father did— He was a Remaining too. He got married and had us and was an important figure in the village.
Some... just go insane. They’re locked in the storehouse for the rest of their lives, usually.
And some— [She cuts herself off suddenly, squeezing his hand tightly, her expression looking guilty. For a moment she doesn’t say anything before she speaks quietly.] Itsuki... was the Remaining from the ritual before ours’. The one that failed. He killed his brother, but it didn’t work. He loved Mutsuki too much... [She trails off and shakes her head.] His hair turned white and he tried to help us escape. But in the end, he... he killed himself. I found the body. Some go that way...
[If they’d simply stayed, if they’d done the ritual, then maybe Itsuki wouldn’t have... She shakes her head again.]
I think, if Yae had done it...I think our ritual would have worked. And I think... Maybe her and Itsuki might have gotten married. The two of them probably would have worked to abolish the ritual entirely, find a way to seal the abyss permanently...
[Sae is quiet for a moment, jealous Though she can’t say which of them she’s jealous of.] My father once told Yae that Remaining like them had to live for the sake of the village. I think Yae maybe would’ve taken that to heart in some way. She thought the ritual was terrible. [Sae’s tone suggests she doesn’t quite see it that way, but she still respects and bows to her sister’s decision on it anyhow.]
no subject
But you can't be sure. And even if it had worked, do you think she would've ever been happy again?
[he doesn't. he doesn't come right out and say as much, but the suggestion of it is probably there anyway.]
The ritual meant killing someone that she loved with her own hands. Maybe she would've lived on and gotten married, maybe she would've gone insane, but a part of her would've died with you. She might've come to hate the village and everyone in it. Maybe she would've found a way to unleash that power instead of you.
[there's no way of knowing any of this. there's only one part of it that he's sure of.]
Watching your sister die...the pain from it is worse than dying yourself.
no subject
But that was only because it wasn’t supposed to be this way. Because it hadn’t been done the right away. Right? She chews on her bottom lip, looking conflicted and uneasy.] But if it had been done the right way, she wouldn’t have become ‘less.’ if she’d killed me, my soul would join with hers’, in a way. We’d be together forever—truly. Not even... Not even the passage of time could change that.
But if we’d grown up, we would’ve grown apart... But with the ritual, we would’ve become one. She wouldn’t be alone, I’d be right there with her! [her voice has raised as she spoke, slightly tinged with hysteria, her breathing hard. She seems to realize how frantic she’d become however, because she flinches and shrinks in on herself, looking confused and a little sullen.]
...It... Things just got worse because we ran... [her voice sounds small, but she’s not even sure what she’s arguing for here. 17 years of never having to question this before was knocking up painfully with outsiders’ perspectives and she wasn’t quite sure what to do with it besides get defensive. It was all she’d known, after all. If they’d managed to fully escape, everyone likely would have died anyhow when the Abyss rebelled.] What else were we supposed to do...?
no subject
[he gives her hand a squeeze when she starts getting frantic, and reaches his free hand out to slide down her hair.]
It's okay. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you.
[wei wuxian can see how she struggles, and a lifetime of believing a certain way simply can't be changed in a matter of days or weeks. and honestly, even he doesn't have a clear answer for her question, because they should never have been faced with such cruel choices in the first place.]
I think your sister followed what her heart told her to do. And so did you, because you loved her so much. Sometimes the result of that is painful. But you did the best you could, with almost no one to help you, and neither of you are to blame. Even if you don't believe that now, I hope you'll still remember it. I hope you can live on with no regrets.
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Now, suddenly, she had all sorts of doors open to her and still her feet felt paralyzed to the spot with indecision.] I’m sorry... [Sae didn’t know what else to do but apologize. She’d started this conversation wanting to commiserate, and instead she feels like, somehow, she’s failed him.]
I’m sorry all of this happened. To both of us.
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I'm sorry this happened to us too. [a whispered voice. in the end, the perfect thing to say comes from her lips, and she's so far from having failed him. he smiles, even though his eyes are still damp.] But I promise to watch out for you from now on. Because I want you here, and I also don't want Yae mad at me.
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[But she laughs a little at the mention of Yae getting mad at him and lifts her face to press a shy kiss to his cheek.] You could never disappoint me. I’ll watch out for you too. I don’t...I don’t have any of my abilities anymore form home, but I... I’ll do my best too.
After all, I’m sure Wangji-nii is even scarier than Yae if he gets mad.
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[lan wangji would take a limb off of anyone who tried it. but not wanting to upset her is an incentive all its own. wei wuxian keeps his arms around her, keeps her on his side of the table.]
Lan Zhan is really something when he's angry. [that impish smile crosses his lips. he doesn't think that she ever has anything to fear from his husband-to-be.] He really must look scary, but all I can think is how proud I am. Lan Zhan only gets angry for good reasons. He's not petty.
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Se leans against him, using him like a prop to keep her up] He seems really strong. He played his instrument for me once. It’s sort of like the koto— I should play for you sometime. I learned how to play that. [one of the more acceptable feminine pursuits she was allowed to learn alongside Yae.]
Mm, though, I guess we’d have to find a koto first...
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[it might be a little harder than poking a few holes in a piece of bamboo, but still. it they can manage it, and she's comfortable enough, maybe she can play at the wedding.]
I'm lucky to have two people who can play me a lullaby when I can't sleep.