[wei wuxian gathers the photos with trembling fingers, placing them back in their envelope and tying the red ribbon around them with a reverance that's almost as odd as his silence. it's a glossy image of him and lan zhan kissing that's serendipitously on top, and how easy it would be to slip back to that moment and the warmth of his husband's lips. the strength of his hands around his waist.
but lan zhan is here. he can feel the weight of his eyes, feel the struggle of his breathing echoed in the tightness of his own chest. his question earns a sharp gasp from his lips, and wei wuxian lifts his head so sharply that two tears free themselves to spill down his cheeks.
counterfeit. a ruse. fake. never. that day and their marriage and their love existed, even if he's hidden it away from him.]
Lan Zhan! [the answer is there, in wei wuxian's shock and in his tears. he swallows hard against the lump in his throat, but also against the words that want to come out of it. and the guilt too.] I...I was saving these. For when you were ready.
( pain. old, and new, running down wei wuxian’s cheeks and clawing its way through lan wangji’s own distress, leaving him helpless, and with a chest too tight. it’s hard to breathe. it’s hard to think, mind assaulted by glimpses of another life, vision torn by a love he knows and doesn’t, agonizing at his feet. for a long moment, he doesn’t move. he simply blinks, his own eyes red-brimmed and watery, his heart a glum and unsteady metronome. he feels impossibly sad and he knows it’s not just because of the sight he’s offered. it reaches far beyond, and it feels like loss.
when he does move, it’s to join wei wuxian on the floor, his hand an uncertain touch on his wrist. ) Wei Ying. ( his name has always been an anchor, and he doesn’t like not knowing how to hang onto it now. soulmates. it’s what they were back home, an eternity to acknowledge the warmth and joy wei wuxian sparked in the darkest, loneliest parts of him. it never had a name. it just was, but it’s been clearer and clearer in recent weeks, and with the pictures wei wuxian shakily holds, it seems unequivocal.
it’s huge. it’s everything. it’s terrifying. but it’s there, and he hates that wei wuxian cries because of him, memories that escape him, a life he wishes he knew better. slowly he withdraws, feeling a bit out of place, high-strung. and he tries to look at him, but he finds that he can’t hold his gaze steadily, his chest a battleground. ) I do not resent you. ( for hiding this. wei wuxian’s guilt is obvious and it stings, and lan wangji’s hands tremble in turn, or maybe his entire body. he sighs. it’s almost labored in the way it spills from his lips, light-headed, his voice only a rasp. )
I remember. ( low. hesitant. ) Fragments. ( a new flush accompanies the addition, and cautiously he takes the envelope from wei wuxian’s fingers, unable to swallow as he forces himself to look again. a kiss. not just a kiss but a fiery embrace, one and the same, extensions of each other.
he stares, and the image dances wilder every second, an overwhelming ache wetting his lips salty. )
[he almost wants to laugh through his tears, because of course he doesn't resent him. a leniency that spoiled him, and he can't imagine what he could do to make it lan wangji withdraw it. surely nothing that wei wuxian could allow of himself.
it doesn't completely alleviate his guilt, because he wouldn't surrender any weight from his own shoulders if it made lan wangji's heavier. he steadies, but his bonded trembles, and perhaps even more on the inside. his tears dry, but the other man's eyes grow wetter, and wei wuxian finds himself reaching, unrestrained, to cup his face and brush his thumbs against the delicate skin.
the pictures. wei wuxian's eyes lower to them too, and the top image brings a smile to his lips. he wonders then if it's not for lan wangji that he really cries. after all, he's blessed with the full color memories behind the images, and no amount of pain could ever make him regret that it happened. they happened, and his heart squeezes in his chest at how lan zhan must be reeling to see it in front of him. see it and try to match it to fractures, like trying to complete a puzzle with two few pieces.
but he has the most important pieces in wei wuxian, and in the hearts that beat inside their chests, separate but also one. he reaches for the picture gently, not to take it away from him as much as to reshuffle them.]
They start here. [his voice is quiet in the room. not much else is needed between them right now. he slides another picture on top, earlier in the day.] There's an order. See? We hadn't changed into our red robes yet. This is me and Sae getting ready for the ceremony. And here's one where you'd just finished meditating for the third time that morning, because you didn't think you'd make it through the day otherwise.
[he laughs and turns a little red, but he looks at the other man with unabashed fondness.]
( he knows what this means. to an extent. for some unfathomable reasons, it hasn’t fully sunk in yet, that wei wuxian’s heart beats the same as his own. hasn’t completely dawned on him, everything that simple truth entails. wei wuxian cradles his face and the urge to reach for him, to curl around and against him, is nearly unbearable, an ancient longing that’s both new and known. he stops himself in extremis, but not quickly enough to avoid mumbling and sniffling, a very unlan-like occurrence. ) Perhaps I should meditate now.
( as overwhelmed as he is, it’s surprisingly light in its delivery, akin to a joke. that’s another thing he’s noticed. spontaneity. it’s the bond they share, but sometimes it feels like more, a dormant side of him, awakened at long last. it’s as strange as the greyish hair at his temple, behind his ear, and the answers are undoubtedly in wei wuxian’s hands.
he glances at the pictures again, his whole body tightening at the look his bonded gives him, and it’s such a sweet ache he isn’t sure he wants to stop hurting. he nods, humming quietly. he’s trembling still but he wants, and he owes it to wei wuxian to be brave. he owes it to what they were. what they could be again. what they never stopped being.
the sigh he sighs is soft, fingertips lightly grazing the picture. he wants to know the story behind each of them, make sense out of the foggy memories in his mind. ) I’ve had dreams… that I do not think were dreams. ( not anymore. and he wants to remember. )
[wei wuxian pauses. stares. wonders if he should laugh or leave him to it. it's not unlike lan wangji to immediately seek strength or inner peace or whatever it is that meditation gives him - it only ever gave wei wuxian a bit more rest. but there was something droll about it, humorous when he thinks about it a little more.
muscle memory. lan wangji's mind might have forgotten, but his body clearly remembers.]
Lan Zhan, didn't I tell you that no woman would ever marry you?
[the laughter bubbles up then. that bright-eyed boy in the white lan robes...if only he'd known that his playful insult would be his own self-fulfilling prophecy.
he places his hand over his bonded, supporting him the same way that lan wangji had steadied him so many times when the resentment raged, with a touch and a presence that whispered, 'i'm here. wei wuxian looks up when he speaks of dreams, lips parting before curving into a gentle smile. and finally, speaking.]
You can tell me about them if you want. But the sweetest parts most certainly happened.
[because he can't imagine any dream that could be better than the reality. he slowly flips through the pictures, until he comes across the...naughtier ones.]
Oh...ah...Lan Zhan, look away!
[he hides the picture behind his back. and the next one...and the next one too, gods how much did he put prompto through???
he catches his breath and looks up through his lashes. lan zhan has seen him from that angle. he's seen him from every angle. but his cheeks are suddenly the same shade as lan wangji's ears.]
( and didn’t he tell him that it was fine? lan wangji had never planned on marrying anyone, but being here with him, and knowing things he shouldn’t, makes it oddly easy to understand why he changed his mind. something happened. before this world. after yiling. something terrible that sizzles painful beneath his skin every time he looks at him. but it made room for something else, allowed it to expand and grow beyond measure, and it’s the love lan wangji feels now, foreign but so close to his heart, older than he is.
it’s what darkens his gaze bolder, almost defiant, if only for a fleeting moment. ) Then they are mine. ( and there’s no reason why he shouldn’t be able to look at them, aside from self-preservation, maybe. it’s the only thing that keeps him from reaching out for them, and his skin reddens instantly at how brazen he allowed himself to feel.
distantly, he thinks he might just enjoy it, and he looks away before he self-combusts, soundlessly clearing his throat as he tries to swallow. it’s so surreal. and it’s so potent at the same time. a number of rêveries comes back in a rush, a few glaringly more colorful than the others. he squirms. sits properly, back against the bed, clearly for balance. if his voice shakes a little, he pretends not to notice. ) The night of the masquerade… ( he looks up, tentatively so. ) …was it you? And during Modranicht… did we…? ( his voice trails off, and he hopes his face doesn’t look as hot as it feels. )
[what else can he say when lan zhan is absolutely right. wei wuxian slowly pulls the pictures from behind his back, looking down at them in his hands. but instead of handing them over, he hides them under his body, falling forward until his face and chest press against the floor.]
Lan Zhan, don't tease me!
[his words, muffled, and bold considering that his ass in the air probably does nothing to help his bonded. much less the twitching bunny tail that peeks through his robes.
he lifts just his head at first, chin resting against the floor before he sits up properly again. wei wuxian nods slowly, confirming the things that he thinks the other man already knows.]
I was the man in the mask. And...we broke many curses that night, just like you wanted.
[he presses his lips together, but the brightness of his eyes gives him away.]
( and don’t make him bolt out of here, because he will flee to meditate the rest of his life away. this is like having one foot in and one foot out, wavering on a line that’s familiar yet not quite familiar enough to remember the absolute ease that characterized their relationship. he looks at him and his fingers twitch; they remember, and it’s a struggle to try and school his expression as his mind keeps reeling in unison with his heart.
and his body.
he closes his eyes. it’s not necessarily easier to think, but he feels a little less exposed. his embarrassment is misplaced. they’re clearly well-acquainted with each other, but beyond his flustered dispositions, there’s a pang of regret that he can’t quite swallow past. his lashes flutter up. it’s the one thing that manages to salvage his composure, and his gaze softens a little contrite, hesitantly seeking his bonded’s. )
Wei Ying. ( his focus drifts downward, latching onto his hands, firmly gripping his thighs. ) I never meant to forget. ( it’s only a murmur, his way to apologize, and a confession. his memories may be fragmented, but his heart knows what his mind doesn’t, and it’s suffocating. he blinks, swallows. he feels so terribly young and so ridiculously old at the same time. ) Allow me to make amends... ( somehow. in time, everything might fall back into place, and... ) Learn my place again. ( at your side, and slowly he looks up, nostrils flaring as he quietly breathes in deep. )
[the guilt that he feels is also misplaced. neither of them understands exactly what happened. wei wuxian doubts that even the coven could explain what happened to lan wangji, but he's come to his own conclusions. it tried to pull lan wangji away, that power behind the mirrors that causes other people to be here one day and gone the next. and he knows in his heart that lan wangji resisted, he fought for his sake, and it's because of his efforts that he's able to touch him, to see him and hold his hands. what apology does he owe, when he's always done so much for him, and continues to this very day?
yeah, get you a man like lan wangji.
wei wuxian blinks against his tears, taking a deep breath that makes his shoulders rise and fall.]
I'll wait for you, and I'll help. I'm not going anywhere.
[because anything that tries to take him from lan wangji's side, he would also fight, risking his memories or even his life.]
( may i hold you. it’s the first thing he wants to know, and the one thing he’ll keep to himself. watching the tears in wei wuxian’s eyes, through his own, makes it harder to remain still, but there’s just so much to unpack here he doesn’t quite trust himself to get any closer without crushing his bones. so he anchors himself there, barely holding on as he wills himself to focus on the missing pieces.
now that he knows this, it’s safe to assume that the dreams he does dream hold more truth than fantasy. there’s quite a number of events he’d like to reconcile with, but some are still too hazy for him to know how to even address. so he thinks, a pensive frown as he lets out a slow, shuddery breath. ) I was informed that I should be much older. ( older than he feels, or is, but how old is he exactly now, with the grey in his hair?
his voice finally steadies, but not for long. ) After I left Yiling… ( his gaze grows a little distant, refocusing quickly. ) What fate befell you? How did we…? ( get together. or did it all happen here? )
[from their world. he'd always been extra careful, because not much escapes his bonded's attention. a clue that there was more to know and he'd certainly want to know it, even if it was to his detriment.
wei wuxian takes a deep breath and reaches for his hand.]
Things...got worse. I lost control of Wen Ning. [control was taken from him, but he's still gauging how much the other man can absorb at once.] He killed Jin Zixuan. He and Wen Qing, the others, they were all executed.
[his heart picks up a beat, urging lan wangji's along with it. it's all over and done with, and wei wuxian can't do a damn thing about it. only regret, if he lets it sink it into his bones, into the hollow space where his golden core once was. where the resentment once churned and ate away at him from the inside out.
he squeezes his hand.]
Lan Zhan, you don't have to hear any more. In the end, everything is settled.
( there’s something he isn’t telling him. for someone who was willing just a second ago to answer his questions, he’s pretty quick to cut it short... but more than that, it’s an ache he feels deep beneath his skin, making a mess of his heart and swelling where his eyes were starting to dry.
he can’t pinpoint what it is. it’s beyond frustrating, all these things just barely out of reach, but it hurts, in a way he knows must have been excruciating. he lost control. it’s the one thing he feared, the one thing he so desperately tried to prevent, going as far as disobeying for his sake, pestering him to offer his help. and when wei wuxian finally allowed him, he… what. let him down? let the worst happen?
his head swims. there’s a light film of sweat coating his skin as he blanches and loses his focus, nausea rolling high in his stomach. his throat burns. his eyes, too, and he’s afraid to ask. he’s afraid to know, but he must, because he can’t imagine what the world must have done to him after jin zixuan perished, after resentment got the best of a soul so kind.
he looks at him a little haggard, lips parted as he breathes shaky. his grip around wei wuxian’s hand tightens, an anchor for the hollow chasm in his chest, no strength in his voice. ) Have I ever returned? ( to yiling. after they parted, heart torn, mind as well. he left him, and he frowns dismayed, wondering what choices he might have made following wei wuxian’s loss of control. )
[if asked, wei wuxian would continue. he would tell him about nightless city, about sixteen years of waiting. about scars and jin guangyao. he's not even sure if it's relief that he feels when lan wangji doesn't immediately push for it. it means that it's still there, a looming threat hanging over them. a wound that can be torn open and made to bleed again.]
Lan Zhan.
[he places his hand on his shoulder, feeling his distress through their bond. wei wuxian moves for water then, pouring a cup and offering it to his lips with a quiet urge to drink.
even he's surprised at how he can smile at the question. maybe it's because he can give him hope through his answer, even if things are left out.]
( and he drinks. he drinks because it’s all the strength he can muster, the entirety of his mental lexicon buried under the erratic beats of his heart. wei wuxian’s smile, his touch, his words, they tear him apart, and yet he still breathes, unevenly so, struggling to pinpoint how he feels. but maybe it doesn’t matter. beyond the bond they share, maybe nothing does, words obsolete, only them, and the intrinsic certainty that his place is right here.
as is wei wuxian’s. conceptually and literally, and lan wangji takes his hand in his, a bold yet instinctive gesture. ) Stay here. ( in this room. a room they’ve shared in ways that’ll color his entire body crimson later, when he closes his eyes and ponders. a room that wei wuxian insisted on lending him, when it belonged to him just as much. ) Tonight. ( forever. it’s nowhere near a lewd proposition. it’s merely an attempt to let him in, to give back, literally and figuratively, because he doesn’t know how else to voice all the things that he wants, all the things that he feels, and finally do right by him. )
[there's no misunderstanding, lan wangji's meaning is simple and clear. but wei wuxian feels a rush of heat in his face nonetheless, spreading to the tips of his ears. even the thought of just lying by his side, of watching him while he sleeps, is enough to send his heart skipping as wildly as their wedding night.
he nods, swallowing hard against the lump in his throat so he can free up his voice again.]
Of course. By your side.
[they both know it's where he belongs. he finally understands lan wangji's drunken regrets about not being by his.
maybe he should go steal a couple of chickens for him. the idea makes him want to smile, but he presses his lips together, trying to resist it.]
( and that’s the thing, when you’re bonded to someone whose heart beats the same beats. when you let your walls crash and welcome everything in, regardless of the consequences. it’s like learning how to breathe again, and he feels, wei wuxian’s excitement, coloring his own cheeks. it’s a wave of warmth and peace that washes over him, and even though it’s a lot to take in all at once, it feels exactly as it should be.
it’s also the reason why he guesses the smile wei wuxian tries to suppress. brows furrowed in curiosity, he stares at the small twitch, just there at the corner of his lips, the same lips he’s kissed over and over just a few weeks ago. the same lips he knows he’ll kiss again someday, and the thought nearly incapacitates him. get a grip. and he does, focusing on the link between them, and the light flutter in his chest. )
You’re amused. ( it’s more of a statement than a question, but regardless, he wants to know why. )
[but even as he apologizes, the laughter still escapes, an abbreviated giggle hidden behind his fist.]
I was just reminded of the first time you proposed to me. [because that's exactly what it was, the censorship so weak that the only person who didn't realize it was wei wuxian. but all of lan wangji's actions had been so outlandish for a man who was normally so restrained, he really hadn't known what to think at all.] You were drunk and you tried to give me chickens.
[he wonders if he'll even believe him. but it's as they say, reality is stranger than fiction...and often funnier too. more laughter comes, spilling freely from his lips.]
Imagine if I'd accepted them! We might've been married without even knowing it!
[lan wangji clearly didn't remember the things that he said or did while drunk. and wei wuxian, well...]
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but lan zhan is here. he can feel the weight of his eyes, feel the struggle of his breathing echoed in the tightness of his own chest. his question earns a sharp gasp from his lips, and wei wuxian lifts his head so sharply that two tears free themselves to spill down his cheeks.
counterfeit. a ruse. fake. never. that day and their marriage and their love existed, even if he's hidden it away from him.]
Lan Zhan! [the answer is there, in wei wuxian's shock and in his tears. he swallows hard against the lump in his throat, but also against the words that want to come out of it. and the guilt too.] I...I was saving these. For when you were ready.
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when he does move, it’s to join wei wuxian on the floor, his hand an uncertain touch on his wrist. ) Wei Ying. ( his name has always been an anchor, and he doesn’t like not knowing how to hang onto it now. soulmates. it’s what they were back home, an eternity to acknowledge the warmth and joy wei wuxian sparked in the darkest, loneliest parts of him. it never had a name. it just was, but it’s been clearer and clearer in recent weeks, and with the pictures wei wuxian shakily holds, it seems unequivocal.
it’s huge. it’s everything. it’s terrifying. but it’s there, and he hates that wei wuxian cries because of him, memories that escape him, a life he wishes he knew better. slowly he withdraws, feeling a bit out of place, high-strung. and he tries to look at him, but he finds that he can’t hold his gaze steadily, his chest a battleground. ) I do not resent you. ( for hiding this. wei wuxian’s guilt is obvious and it stings, and lan wangji’s hands tremble in turn, or maybe his entire body. he sighs. it’s almost labored in the way it spills from his lips, light-headed, his voice only a rasp. )
I remember. ( low. hesitant. ) Fragments. ( a new flush accompanies the addition, and cautiously he takes the envelope from wei wuxian’s fingers, unable to swallow as he forces himself to look again. a kiss. not just a kiss but a fiery embrace, one and the same, extensions of each other.
he stares, and the image dances wilder every second, an overwhelming ache wetting his lips salty. )
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it doesn't completely alleviate his guilt, because he wouldn't surrender any weight from his own shoulders if it made lan wangji's heavier. he steadies, but his bonded trembles, and perhaps even more on the inside. his tears dry, but the other man's eyes grow wetter, and wei wuxian finds himself reaching, unrestrained, to cup his face and brush his thumbs against the delicate skin.
the pictures. wei wuxian's eyes lower to them too, and the top image brings a smile to his lips. he wonders then if it's not for lan wangji that he really cries. after all, he's blessed with the full color memories behind the images, and no amount of pain could ever make him regret that it happened. they happened, and his heart squeezes in his chest at how lan zhan must be reeling to see it in front of him. see it and try to match it to fractures, like trying to complete a puzzle with two few pieces.
but he has the most important pieces in wei wuxian, and in the hearts that beat inside their chests, separate but also one. he reaches for the picture gently, not to take it away from him as much as to reshuffle them.]
They start here. [his voice is quiet in the room. not much else is needed between them right now. he slides another picture on top, earlier in the day.] There's an order. See? We hadn't changed into our red robes yet. This is me and Sae getting ready for the ceremony. And here's one where you'd just finished meditating for the third time that morning, because you didn't think you'd make it through the day otherwise.
[he laughs and turns a little red, but he looks at the other man with unabashed fondness.]
Do you want to see more?
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( as overwhelmed as he is, it’s surprisingly light in its delivery, akin to a joke. that’s another thing he’s noticed. spontaneity. it’s the bond they share, but sometimes it feels like more, a dormant side of him, awakened at long last. it’s as strange as the greyish hair at his temple, behind his ear, and the answers are undoubtedly in wei wuxian’s hands.
he glances at the pictures again, his whole body tightening at the look his bonded gives him, and it’s such a sweet ache he isn’t sure he wants to stop hurting. he nods, humming quietly. he’s trembling still but he wants, and he owes it to wei wuxian to be brave. he owes it to what they were. what they could be again. what they never stopped being.
the sigh he sighs is soft, fingertips lightly grazing the picture. he wants to know the story behind each of them, make sense out of the foggy memories in his mind. ) I’ve had dreams… that I do not think were dreams. ( not anymore. and he wants to remember. )
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muscle memory. lan wangji's mind might have forgotten, but his body clearly remembers.]
Lan Zhan, didn't I tell you that no woman would ever marry you?
[the laughter bubbles up then. that bright-eyed boy in the white lan robes...if only he'd known that his playful insult would be his own self-fulfilling prophecy.
he places his hand over his bonded, supporting him the same way that lan wangji had steadied him so many times when the resentment raged, with a touch and a presence that whispered, 'i'm here. wei wuxian looks up when he speaks of dreams, lips parting before curving into a gentle smile. and finally, speaking.]
You can tell me about them if you want. But the sweetest parts most certainly happened.
[because he can't imagine any dream that could be better than the reality. he slowly flips through the pictures, until he comes across the...naughtier ones.]
Oh...ah...Lan Zhan, look away!
[he hides the picture behind his back. and the next one...and the next one too, gods how much did he put prompto through???
he catches his breath and looks up through his lashes. lan zhan has seen him from that angle. he's seen him from every angle. but his cheeks are suddenly the same shade as lan wangji's ears.]
...These were a wedding gift.
[who's joking about meditation now.]
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it’s what darkens his gaze bolder, almost defiant, if only for a fleeting moment. ) Then they are mine. ( and there’s no reason why he shouldn’t be able to look at them, aside from self-preservation, maybe. it’s the only thing that keeps him from reaching out for them, and his skin reddens instantly at how brazen he allowed himself to feel.
distantly, he thinks he might just enjoy it, and he looks away before he self-combusts, soundlessly clearing his throat as he tries to swallow. it’s so surreal. and it’s so potent at the same time. a number of rêveries comes back in a rush, a few glaringly more colorful than the others. he squirms. sits properly, back against the bed, clearly for balance. if his voice shakes a little, he pretends not to notice. ) The night of the masquerade… ( he looks up, tentatively so. ) …was it you? And during Modranicht… did we…? ( his voice trails off, and he hopes his face doesn’t look as hot as it feels. )
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[what else can he say when lan zhan is absolutely right. wei wuxian slowly pulls the pictures from behind his back, looking down at them in his hands. but instead of handing them over, he hides them under his body, falling forward until his face and chest press against the floor.]
Lan Zhan, don't tease me!
[his words, muffled, and bold considering that his ass in the air probably does nothing to help his bonded. much less the twitching bunny tail that peeks through his robes.
he lifts just his head at first, chin resting against the floor before he sits up properly again. wei wuxian nods slowly, confirming the things that he thinks the other man already knows.]
I was the man in the mask. And...we broke many curses that night, just like you wanted.
[he presses his lips together, but the brightness of his eyes gives him away.]
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and his body.
he closes his eyes. it’s not necessarily easier to think, but he feels a little less exposed. his embarrassment is misplaced. they’re clearly well-acquainted with each other, but beyond his flustered dispositions, there’s a pang of regret that he can’t quite swallow past. his lashes flutter up. it’s the one thing that manages to salvage his composure, and his gaze softens a little contrite, hesitantly seeking his bonded’s. )
Wei Ying. ( his focus drifts downward, latching onto his hands, firmly gripping his thighs. ) I never meant to forget. ( it’s only a murmur, his way to apologize, and a confession. his memories may be fragmented, but his heart knows what his mind doesn’t, and it’s suffocating. he blinks, swallows. he feels so terribly young and so ridiculously old at the same time. ) Allow me to make amends... ( somehow. in time, everything might fall back into place, and... ) Learn my place again. ( at your side, and slowly he looks up, nostrils flaring as he quietly breathes in deep. )
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[the guilt that he feels is also misplaced. neither of them understands exactly what happened. wei wuxian doubts that even the coven could explain what happened to lan wangji, but he's come to his own conclusions. it tried to pull lan wangji away, that power behind the mirrors that causes other people to be here one day and gone the next. and he knows in his heart that lan wangji resisted, he fought for his sake, and it's because of his efforts that he's able to touch him, to see him and hold his hands. what apology does he owe, when he's always done so much for him, and continues to this very day?
yeah, get you a man like lan wangji.
wei wuxian blinks against his tears, taking a deep breath that makes his shoulders rise and fall.]
I'll wait for you, and I'll help. I'm not going anywhere.
[because anything that tries to take him from lan wangji's side, he would also fight, risking his memories or even his life.]
Uhm...is there anything you want to know?
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now that he knows this, it’s safe to assume that the dreams he does dream hold more truth than fantasy. there’s quite a number of events he’d like to reconcile with, but some are still too hazy for him to know how to even address. so he thinks, a pensive frown as he lets out a slow, shuddery breath. ) I was informed that I should be much older. ( older than he feels, or is, but how old is he exactly now, with the grey in his hair?
his voice finally steadies, but not for long. ) After I left Yiling… ( his gaze grows a little distant, refocusing quickly. ) What fate befell you? How did we…? ( get together. or did it all happen here? )
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[from their world. he'd always been extra careful, because not much escapes his bonded's attention. a clue that there was more to know and he'd certainly want to know it, even if it was to his detriment.
wei wuxian takes a deep breath and reaches for his hand.]
Things...got worse. I lost control of Wen Ning. [control was taken from him, but he's still gauging how much the other man can absorb at once.] He killed Jin Zixuan. He and Wen Qing, the others, they were all executed.
[his heart picks up a beat, urging lan wangji's along with it. it's all over and done with, and wei wuxian can't do a damn thing about it. only regret, if he lets it sink it into his bones, into the hollow space where his golden core once was. where the resentment once churned and ate away at him from the inside out.
he squeezes his hand.]
Lan Zhan, you don't have to hear any more. In the end, everything is settled.
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he can’t pinpoint what it is. it’s beyond frustrating, all these things just barely out of reach, but it hurts, in a way he knows must have been excruciating. he lost control. it’s the one thing he feared, the one thing he so desperately tried to prevent, going as far as disobeying for his sake, pestering him to offer his help. and when wei wuxian finally allowed him, he… what. let him down? let the worst happen?
his head swims. there’s a light film of sweat coating his skin as he blanches and loses his focus, nausea rolling high in his stomach. his throat burns. his eyes, too, and he’s afraid to ask. he’s afraid to know, but he must, because he can’t imagine what the world must have done to him after jin zixuan perished, after resentment got the best of a soul so kind.
he looks at him a little haggard, lips parted as he breathes shaky. his grip around wei wuxian’s hand tightens, an anchor for the hollow chasm in his chest, no strength in his voice. ) Have I ever returned? ( to yiling. after they parted, heart torn, mind as well. he left him, and he frowns dismayed, wondering what choices he might have made following wei wuxian’s loss of control. )
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Lan Zhan.
[he places his hand on his shoulder, feeling his distress through their bond. wei wuxian moves for water then, pouring a cup and offering it to his lips with a quiet urge to drink.
even he's surprised at how he can smile at the question. maybe it's because he can give him hope through his answer, even if things are left out.]
I returned to you.
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as is wei wuxian’s. conceptually and literally, and lan wangji takes his hand in his, a bold yet instinctive gesture. ) Stay here. ( in this room. a room they’ve shared in ways that’ll color his entire body crimson later, when he closes his eyes and ponders. a room that wei wuxian insisted on lending him, when it belonged to him just as much. ) Tonight. ( forever. it’s nowhere near a lewd proposition. it’s merely an attempt to let him in, to give back, literally and figuratively, because he doesn’t know how else to voice all the things that he wants, all the things that he feels, and finally do right by him. )
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[there's no misunderstanding, lan wangji's meaning is simple and clear. but wei wuxian feels a rush of heat in his face nonetheless, spreading to the tips of his ears. even the thought of just lying by his side, of watching him while he sleeps, is enough to send his heart skipping as wildly as their wedding night.
he nods, swallowing hard against the lump in his throat so he can free up his voice again.]
Of course. By your side.
[they both know it's where he belongs. he finally understands lan wangji's drunken regrets about not being by his.
maybe he should go steal a couple of chickens for him. the idea makes him want to smile, but he presses his lips together, trying to resist it.]
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it’s also the reason why he guesses the smile wei wuxian tries to suppress. brows furrowed in curiosity, he stares at the small twitch, just there at the corner of his lips, the same lips he’s kissed over and over just a few weeks ago. the same lips he knows he’ll kiss again someday, and the thought nearly incapacitates him. get a grip. and he does, focusing on the link between them, and the light flutter in his chest. )
You’re amused. ( it’s more of a statement than a question, but regardless, he wants to know why. )
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[but even as he apologizes, the laughter still escapes, an abbreviated giggle hidden behind his fist.]
I was just reminded of the first time you proposed to me. [because that's exactly what it was, the censorship so weak that the only person who didn't realize it was wei wuxian. but all of lan wangji's actions had been so outlandish for a man who was normally so restrained, he really hadn't known what to think at all.] You were drunk and you tried to give me chickens.
[he wonders if he'll even believe him. but it's as they say, reality is stranger than fiction...and often funnier too. more laughter comes, spilling freely from his lips.]
Imagine if I'd accepted them! We might've been married without even knowing it!
[lan wangji clearly didn't remember the things that he said or did while drunk. and wei wuxian, well...]