weiward | inbox (penance)

( he had none to share at the time!! just like wei wuxian definitely had a golden core back then, and asking lan wangji not to worry is like asking him not to breathe. which he kind of does, lungs iced over, wei wuxian's quick dismissal a throbbing growth where his heart seemingly suffocates. )

Wei Ying.

( he straightens up, poised on the heels of his feet between his thighs as his gaze swivels distressed and confused from his eyes to his arousal, and up again, slowly withdrawing his finger. this isn't right. very few things could have caused this, and the way wei wuxian stiffens speaks volumes. his face hardens. it's a thousand images flashing in his mind, blurry when he searches wei wuxian's gaze, and lightly he places his hands on each side of his groin, as if to transfer his warmth there, cocooning an impossible void. his lips part on an inaudible breath, bracing himself. ) How? ( and when. )

[he should've known that it wouldn't be brushed over so easily, shouldn't have expected lan wangji's reaction to be anything but what it is. even in the heat of the moment, there's concern. care. it is a huge thing that has happened to him, and in his actions lan wangji is refusing to let it be treated as anything less.

wei wuxian sighs and pushes himself up onto his elbows.]

It was my choice. Wen Zhuliu melted Jiang Cheng's. [he reaches forward after a moment, sliding his fingers through lan wangji's dark hair.] Lan Zhan, it doesn't bear thinking about. I made my own way. Come back to bed, kiss me again. That makes me feel complete even without a golden core.

( his mouth hangs open, mirroring the shock in his eyes, wide, brows angled high and furrowed. his choice. his choice to let himself be scorned and despised. his choice to be made an outcast, to ache in silence and to give a thousand times more than he was ever granted. his choice to sacrifice himself for a man who might as well have sent him here, ill wishes and a twist of his blade, wei wuxian's demise. his choice to leave suibian behind, and create a life tainted in death. lan wangji's fingers dig into wei wuxian's hips, gaze watery as his jaw clenches on an onslaught of different pains he can't name. grief. sorrow. regret. anger. if only he'd known. but wei wuxian always bore his burdens alone, and something cracks in lan wangji's chest, snaps, fissured in past and recent torture.

wei wuxian pleads for a kiss and lan wangji crashes against him, swift and fiery again, a note of urgency in his throat. his lips move full and merciless against his, licking deep into his mouth as he guides himself to wei wuxian's opening, nudging there with the blunt tip of his shaft, thickening fast. ) Never again will anyone hurt you. ( unyielding. vehement. like the sweeps of his tongue and the pressure of his teeth, and he pushes inside him and he catches his breath in his own lungs, swallowing him, a broken moan to answer his. it's hardly gentle. it's possessive, pounding hard as he pants into his mouth, but soft fingertips across the sides of his head remind of his deep affection, a determination to create with him something more than carnal pleasure; already his essence seeps through the sharp thrusts of his lower body, budding heat in his belly as he dives in and out of him, trembling anew. he fists his hair, groans as wei wuxian tightens around him, nerves tingling everywhere; he gasps with every touch of his lips across his, pouring himself whole into the rhythm. ) Take all of me. ( and he'll be damned if wei wuxian doesn't eventually regain what should never have been lost. )

[wei wuxian's heart has never ached for himself. never once has he regretted or even wondered. but seeing those emotions on his face, the open pain and sadness and anger, it's almost more than his fractured heart can take. lan wangji seems to drown right in front of him as a watery veil falls between them.

when he returns to him, he's all action and fury, leaving him dizzy and breathless from his kisses alone. wei wuxian cries out for real when he enters him, but it's the words that cause his tear to spill. a promise that he knows lan wangji will keep or be damned. he tips his head back, leaving the pale column of his throat to be ravaged while he tries to get enough oxygen into his lungs. but it's going to be a neverending battle if he can't stop chanting his name long enough to actually breathe.]

Lan Zhan...Lan Zhan...

[his thighs tremble around lan wangji's hips. it's a pleasure that borders on punishment, his hole stretched tight around him, sure to be too swollen to leak a single drop once lan wangji is done with him. even so, learning his body will be a lot quicker than learning his heart. he can't be quiet, each thrust punching out whimpers and moans, a tune for his ears only. his own erection swells between them, already leaking from the tip.

even without lan wangji's words, his actions make it clear: he cannot put a young master in him, but he's going to try to create a new golden core. and he is relentless in his pleasure, wei wuxian's skin already stinging from how he smacks into him.]

Lan Zhan, easy. Have some mercy on me, it's my first...first...

[wei wuxian's gasps become moans. and even in his overwhelmed state, his legs open wider to ask for more.]

( wei wuxian is loud, every sound as blissful as he dreamed, effectively deafening the remnants of his nightmares. the bed squeaks. it’s a cacophony of hoarse and broken noises, and skin slaps against skin in steady motions, wei ying and lan zhan rising needy in the midst of shared sighs. lan wangji only relents because wei wuxian asks, though the lazier rolls of his hips are a little misleading; everywhere else, he burns, suckling on his adam’s apple and pressing close where wei wuxian’s cock oozes precum, helping him rub himself. his eyes still sting. his chest, too, overloaded, and he watches intently, abrupt thrusts mixed with sluggish ones, guided by wei wuxian’s pleasure twisting his face. it’s my first, he whimpers, and lan wangji whimpers in turn, no longer bashful, nose against nose as he rests his forehead against his. ) And you are my last.

( he surges between his thighs, slower but thorough, a light film of sweat coating his skin. he moves easy against him, his breath labored, his eyes half-lidded, and he groans his name again, wei ying, swelling thicker inside him, crown brushing against a particularly squishy spot. ) Between us, no more concealment. ( his lashes flutter as his own pleasure increases, hissing low as he feels wei wuxian tightening around him. ) No shame. ( he jerks up, languid circles as he slowly withdraws and slides back in, inhaling sharp as he catches his mouth again. ) No restraint. ( and he kisses him longer, deeper, coaxing one of his legs around his waist as he follows his body’s cadence, one hand cupping one side of his head. )

[he can finally breathe again, the burning between his legs less an endless pounding and more strokes that fill him and retreat with a steady, powerful rhythm. every time lan zhan strikes a certain spot, his legs tremble, and the sweat from the insides of his thighs rolls down to sting his worked-open rim.

and you are my last. wei wuxian exhales heaviest at those words, opening his eyes to watch him. the beautiful way his body coils and moves, the way his eyebrows pinch in pleasure and concentration. he's struck by the knowledge that lan wangji is also his last. it's him, and it can only be him.

every time he tries to speak, even to agree, lan wangji thrusts and it turns into another strangled cry. hanguang-jun is a combination of powerful and not small, and tonight he's making up for all the times that wei wuxian was surely a handful for him in one way or another. in an odd role reversal, it's lan wangji who speaks, and wei wuxian who confirms with syllables and sounds, nodding his head to show that he agrees lest lan wangji start riding him roughly again. no more secrets, no shame, no...restraint? wei wuxian moans, eyes closing again as he bucks his hips, more and more white leaking from the tip of his erection. his insides clamp down around him, concerned about how much more he can take, but also never wanting to let him go. he's so close to the edge, but it feels like lan zhan could keep going for hours. he can just imagine him pulling out to put him in a new position, long after wei wuxian has exhausted all energy.

it's terrifying...only not really. because it's that exact thought that makes him draw tight for a shuddering release, untouched but not silent.]

( he could go on. for a while. not without sustained efforts, because every sound wei wuxian makes and every answering shift of his body takes him dangerously closer to the edge. physically, he’s never known anything like this. as transcending as meditation can be, it lacks the raw, primal aspect of carnal need and it’s so very human but it’s so blissfully perfect. he’s always been taught to take great care of his body, as he does his mind; he’d just never realized it could serve differently, the physical manifestation of his pains and his joys, so powerful he forgets where he ends and where wei wuxian begins.

ultimately, it’s the sheer elation on his face that drives him where wei wuxian shudders, and he convulses with him and he doesn’t stop, watching him come and barely acknowledging his own orgasm, for how entranced he is by him. his vision darkens for one moment, though he never averts his gaze, gasping with him, tasting his moans. he knew a golden core wouldn’t magically grow so suddenly, though he can’t help the pang of melancholy that constricts his chest as he gently rolls off of him, slowly withdrawing, only to pepper lingering kisses across his face as he settles on his side and curls protective around him. )

Wei Ying. ( as relieved and dumbfounded as lan wangji is that wei wuxian somehow returns his feelings, it’s the kind of euphoria he can’t fully revel in, not after what he just went through, punctuated by what he’s just learned. wei wuxian’s love is selfless, barely anything left for himself, and lan wangji tenderly nuzzles his temple, arms secured tighter around him. beyond his own adoration, there’s something else wei wuxian should be told, soft but adamant: ) You matter. ( and if no one ever hurts him again, lan wangji won’t let him hurt himself, either. )

[the warmth that he's felt trickling over his lips and sticky on his fingers in the past, it fills him up now. and wei wuxian clenches around him, greedy for every drop and wanting to keep some part of lan wangji inside of him at all times. but they've shared their release, and he relaxes then, toes uncurling and limbs growing heavy on the mattress. wei wuxian hums as he returns those kisses, but most of him is still blissfully floating somewhere above his own body.

wei ying. he grunts softly at the sound of his name, turning his head a moment later to offer lan wangji a sated and adoring smile. but his lips stop mid-curve, and it's almost impossible to stop wei wuxian's smile, but those two simple words do it. lan wangji holds him like he'll never let him go, and he blinks once, twice, before he turns his head once more to look away.

he doesn't understand his oncoming tears. he can't pinpoint what has caused them to spring to his eyes now of all times, a much happier moment than a great many of his life. maybe it's because he didn't cry when he needed to. maybe it's because there was no one there to comfort him during so many of those moments. but they won't be denied now, even wrenching out a choked sob before he can throw his forearm across his eyes.]

Lan Zhan...

Wei Ying…!

( and what else can he do, but hug him tighter. what else can he do but shed some tears of his own as wei wuxian quivers in his arms, silently reminding him that he isn’t going anywhere this time. should he fall, he’ll fall with him, but before that, he’ll do everything in his power to prevent another tragedy. wei wuxian’s smile is a light that should never wane, and lan wangji brands himself its keeper, nose pressed to his temple as waves after waves of repression and neglect crash over them.

it subsides, gradually, and lan wangji feels out of breath again, for different reasons. ) I should have told you sooner. ( years ago, before wei wuxian reached a point of no return. because he did always matter, and it’s the greatest regret of his life, to have been unable to extend the hand he needed before he dangled from its grasp. let me help, he asked then, but he understands now more than ever that the support he offered couldn’t align with wei wuxian’s fate. miscommunication isn’t affordable anymore, and he quietly sighs in his ear, lightly nuzzling there. ) I will cultivate with you, if you wish. ( he does mean that, to help him grow another core, to cleanse, start anew. ) But your path remains your own. ( because he doesn’t want to choose for him, only there for the ride. )

[he feels guilty that lan wangji has to see him like this, when he was always one of the few people who even tried to help. but maybe that way of thinking is wrong. maybe that's exactly why wei wuxian should show him this side of him, the exhaustion and the hurt that he's kept bottled up. wasn't he the one who used to say that they should share everything? logically he knows that between soulmates it shouldn't be one-sided, but he just got used to hiding his own hardships away.

until now, with lan wangji practically cracking open his chest to make a home for himself inside, simultaneously soothing his heart and releasing the ghosts of so much pain. wei wuxian's sobs become laughter at his words, but it's not madness this time. he turns in his arms, tear tracks on his cheeks but a smile on his lips, the embodiment of wei wuxian. he cups the other man's face before pressing a kiss firmly to his forehead, right where his ribbon would be. a second is delivered to his lips, softer but less chaste before he sighs.]

Lan Zhan, our path lies together.

[he's not alone; he never really was, and now he can hear lan wangji's voice even above the screams.]

If you'll really have me.

( his eyes drift close at the touch of wei wuxian’s lips, curled upward again, their shape a permanent warmth in his chest. no ribbon should separate them. wei wuxian’s tears, his grief, his despair… they’re the very reason why restraint isn’t an option, and no matter how strenuous at times, lan wangji will never again hesitate to explore his untamed heart, an echo of wei wuxian’s, which he trusts with his life.

a sigh shared, lan wangji gently sneaks one leg between his, arm around his waist and hand slowly running up and down his spine. it’s a shame to be finally reunited with him in such a wretched place, but home isn’t somewhere. it’s someone, just like love isn’t something, and fingers roam higher, around his nape, where they idly play with his hair, his gaze nothing short of enamored. ) A choice you made for me the moment you crossed the threshold of Cloud Recesses. ( a rare hint of humor but a truth nonetheless, because even back then, wei wuxian was a fascination, and before he left, lan wangji had to learn how to cope with the terrifying realization that he no longer knew how to live without his presence. so yes, he’ll have him. beyond death. )

Edited 2020-09-05 17:24 (UTC)

[for the first time since his arrival, wei wuxian thinks of how he must get them out of here. no longer just lan wangji, and sizhui with them. redemption, somehow, to return to a life that he thought he was ready to give up. but where there was only darkness before, there is light and hope. wei wuxian holds it in his arms.

he chuckles, a hint of his old mischief in the sound, and more of it shining in his eyes.]

Lan Zhan, even during those long days in the library pavilion? And to think I offered to go on my knees for you, only for you to seal my lips instead! [wei wuxian lifts his hand to pet his hair, a daring act of teasing after he's well aware of what lan wangji is capable of.] How hard it must've been for you... [he struggles to hold back his own laughter.] How very hard. And you must've dreamed of giving it to me a hundred times.

( oh, but he’ll gladly allow being made fun of, if only to hear his laugh again. the hand in his hair strokes its way closer to his face, tenderly smoothing one thumb across his cheek before he finally concedes a truth that took months to fully sink in. )

Perhaps a thousand. ( the innuendo isn’t lost on him, creeping up warmer across his own face as he sighs on a flood of lost memories, wistful, but better than the torments he just suffered. hard is a terrible understatement. excruciating seems vaguely accurate, and he remembers just how conflicted he was back then, wei wuxian’s nature resonating dangerously well with the boundaries of his heart he had never dared to explore. ) I thought myself weak and it angered me. ( it took him a while, to acknowledge that he wasn’t mad at wei wuxian. not entirely, anyway, and lan wangji’s gaze on him grows impossibly fond, lashes fluttering lazy as renewed heat blazes through him. ) But I came to realize that you have only ever given me strength.

[he's not sure how long it will take him to get used to lan wangji being this sincere with him, so accommodating. it's more effective than a scolding ever could be, softening both wei wuxian's heart and his touch. he's still in awe that hanguang-jun, a man of impeccable reputation, would even bother with him.]

Lan Zhan, you're the strongest man I've ever known.

[it's one thing to be the yiling patriarch. it's quite another to be willing defend him, willing to love him. to choose to follow him into the literal fire. but when lan wangji goes on to say that he is a part of that strength, wei wuxian's breath catches. he touches pauses. and he quickly blinks away fresh tears.]

Did I give you strength there too? [where he was taken. he swallows hard and shifts, a reminder that he's warm and real against him. a reminder for both of them.] Lan Zhan, what happened?

( strength is relative, but without him, he wouldn’t have had enough to challenge everything he’s ever been taught, to unearth his own convictions buried underneath. wei wuxian changed his life, his heart, and it followed him here, through death and beyond, determined now to keep his conscience clear once and for all. mourning him had already taken its toll on him, but his latest trip to lucifer island only further convinced him that no more time could be lost.

which is exactly why he’s here now, wrapped around the only man he’ll ever love. the question is loaded, and he shifts closer, a deep sigh as he blinks a few times and purses his mouth pensive. it wasn’t real. however tangible everything felt, wei wuxian is once again warm in his arms, and lan wangji breathes a little shaky, ignoring the palpable growth in his chest. ) You died. ( a beat, and he momentarily closes his eyes, a twitch in his jaw. ) Every hour, differently. In my arms. Places I could not reach. By your own hand… at mine. ( and how deep must they have dug, to read his guilt so easily. his eyes open then, a sharp exhale as he forces himself to gaze into his. ) My journey to Yiling was intentional. If we could turn back time… ( his lips curl lopsided as his nostrils flare, a wistful frown. ) … I would stay there with you.

[his lips curve downward, eyes soft and sad at the pain in his voice, in his very breath. he doesn't look away as lan wangji speaks. the agony that he went through, the terror - lan wangji's burial mounds. to come back from that with a mind that's not totally wrecked speaks again of his strength. even if wei wuxian's hand sliding along his back is a reminder that it wasn't real, he still could do nothing for him during all those terrible days. nothing but miss him.]

Things happened as they should have.

[he whispers, a faint smile returning to his lips as they speak of the past. there's no point in looking backward. if lan wangji had been there, maybe he would have died with him, and then there would have been no one for him to return to. no one to take care of sizhui. ]

And this might not have been as comfortable on a cave floor.

[wei wuxian laughs a little at that, pretty sure that neither of them would've actually cared about that.]

( have they. he can’t entirely agree, when he knows he could and should have done more. when he knows exactly where he belongs now, and he likes to think he would have defended him, them, and maybe found another home, farther away. but he doesn’t argue. wei wuxian’s stance on this particular subject has always been clear, and though it never fails to sharpen the ache between his ribs, all he can do is make amends, and forever stand by him.

which, all in all, really shouldn’t be that difficult, considering how effortlessly they both found each other’s arms.

his gaze brightens just so at the sound of wei wuxian’s laughter, always a balm on his wounds. one good thing did come out of his fate, however much he would have rather it happened differently. and his name speaks volume of lan wangji’s heartsickness. ) Have you acquainted yourself with Sizhui?

[wei wuxian nods, a fond smile crossing his lips at the boy's name, even if it isn't the name he knew him by.]

Who would've guessed that such a mischievous boy would grow into such a well-behaved junior. [and he knows that he has lan wangji to thank for that, just as he has him to think for sizhui's life in general. he props himself up a little to look down into lan zhan's face.] I hope you didn't spoil him too much. Children don't always need things just because they want them. And you were always weak for him, Lan Zhan. I do remember that much.

[but...whatever he did or didn't do, he obviously did a good job. wei wuxian resettles, wiggling against him.]

He'll be good company for Jin Ling. And probably a good influence too.

The same who could never have imagined Hanguang-jun falling for Yiling Lǎozǔ.

( including wei wuxian, probably, and yet. sizhui was always good, and in more ways than one, he reminds of wei wuxian, a mischievous nature void of malice, his heart on his sleeve. the same fondness shines in his eyes, veiled by a faint shadow of regret. ) Most of our time spent together, I can’t recall. ( so he doesn’t know whether he spoiled him, but with the vague hint of bashful guilt in the way his gaze drops, he can easily guess that he probably did.

but then another name distracts him. ) Jin Ling? ( eyebrows pinched, he looks right back up. ) Here? Grown? ( why would the boy of lady jiang of all people require a good influence. unless………..??? )

Edited 2020-09-07 18:57 (UTC)

Well, he obviously loves you.

[another thing that he shares in common with wei wuxian, and the only thing that matters. he can tell by the way the boy speaks of it, always respectful but from a place of fondness rather than fear.

wei wuxian blinks at the reaction to his nephew's name, eyebrows rising as he nods his head.]

About the same age as Sizhui. I gathered that they came here together the same way that we did.

[and he's about to get comfortable again, eyes closing and a smile on his lips.

until his eyes open right back up again. something about that is suddenly a little unsettling to him too.]

( lan wangji inwardly beams at that, regardless of the gap in their respective timelines. sizhui is much older than he should be, though lan wangji looks at him and sees a-yuan still, the boy he was so desperate to keep alive. so much of what wei wuxian worked so hard for died with him, but sizhui thrived, and grew into a man lan wangji is surprisingly proud of, however little he knows of their lives intertwined.

it’s the expression slowly taking shape on wei wuxian’s face that worries him, a sudden realization, and he intently searches those beautiful eyes of his. ) Wei Ying. ( together, he says. is jin ling well-behaved?? ) What is it?

Ah, it's nothing. Nothing.

[his akward little laugh suggests that it's something. he doesn't want to lie to lan wangji, especially not after what their words and actions have set into motion. even a lie by omission, information withheld, sits uncomfortably within him.

he's already warned jin ling that discussions will need to be had with hanguang-jun if things progress any further. but as his uncle, does some of the responsibility fall on his shoulders too?]

It's just...Jin Ling has confessed to harboring...certain feelings. Possibly. But Lan Zhan, they're both so young, and being here is enough to confuse anyone! I'm sure it's just that Sizhui presence is a comfort, that's all.

( lying should be second nature for the infamous yiling patriarch. it isn’t. minus the occasional white lie, wei wuxian has always been relatively terrible at hiding the truth, but this truth holds the same dissonant notes of a broken string. )

Wei Ying. ( young? confused? lan wangji stiffens, eyes flashing with a hint of incredulity that knots his stomach and purses his lips a little uneasy. he does trust wei wuxian’s heart with his life, but... ) I am not confused. ( are they not just as young? in hell, a place where warmth, of all things, has only been found in each other’s arms? trying to reassure himself has only worried him, and lan wangji frowns a little disgruntled, a question on his tongue. is wei wuxian confused? instead he asks; ) Jin Rulan... Was he raised a decent gentleman?

[when you're the yiling patriarch, nothing confuses people more than telling them the truth, which they'll alter anyway to suit their own narrative. but lan wangji doesn't sound confused, a fact confirmed a moment later which buys no time for either him or his nephew.]

Ah, Jin Ling is-

[much like sizhui, wei wuxian is still getting to know the boy. so what can he really say about him at this point? he's got strong lungs?]

I'm sure Jiang Cheng did his best! But...he lost both of his parents. Lan Zhan, you know that. Still, he is Shijie's son! If he has even an ounce of her goodness in him, I'm sure we have nothing to worry about.

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